When all else fails, write an angsty blog post

The story I shared with friends this weekend, the Story of my Year, was basically a litany of failures. Maybe that's being a bit dramatic. Let's call it A Series Of Places Where I Did Not Meet My Own Admittedly High Expectations, Which Still Sucks No Matter How You Look At It. 

I kicked things off with Emma's birth ("I didn't do natural birth right!") then last year's preschool situation ("I picked the wrong schools!") then a baby who never slept ("I didn't know what to do!") and anxiety ("What did I do wrong?!") and beating myself up about baby weight ("I'm ") and marriage ("I don't want anyone else to need me!") and oh gosh, a whole bunch of other things. 

It's not REALLY that I think I FAILED at all these things... more like I really wanted to do and handle all of it so much better than I did, and I couldn't, I could only the do the best I could do, and I was hugely unimpressed with myself. I think the baby weight stuff is the best example. It wasn't until I gave myself permission to totally quit exercising in May that I realized how HARD I'd been on myself about my stupid PANTS SIZE. 

But I can't exactly give myself permission to stop, say, figuring out the schedule. I am sitting here feeling slightly panicky because next week I drop Jack at 8:40, Molly at 9:30, then pick up Molly at 12:30 and pick up Jack at 3. When is my third kid supposed to nap? I have no idea. None. I've been thinking about this all day long, since 4am when I woke up, put a pacifier back in a baby mouth, and couldn't go back to sleep because of the slight panic. I still don't have any good ideas, I don't know what it will be like, and telling myself, "Things will just work out" (WHICH IS THE TRUTH) is not really helping. I feel like I have to figure it out! Now! 

THIS IS REALLY DUMB, I KNOW. 

I would like this year to... NOT be like this. You know? 

My dad used to have this little pin on his bulletin board in his office that said "When all else fails, lower your standards." This is, I think, good advice for me. Also, it helps to remind myself that even though I am not curing cancer or building rocketships, my job IS hard. Sometimes success means everyone stayed alive until dinnertime. 

I think I did well today. I wasn't ENTIRELY sure how to do the kindergarten thing, but I followed directions and went to welcome meetings and introduced myself and even sort of made a friend. I don't feel nervous about the Okay, This Is The Real Thing drop off situation tomorrow. And maybe that's a silly thing to note, but that is TOTALLY the sort of thing I nag myself about. I think I turned in the forms eariler than the teacher wanted or expected (no one else turned in these forms, that I saw anyway) but I am not feeling stupid about this either. Again, a silly thing, but TOTALLY the sort of thing I feel stupid about. 

And I've already sort of told myself that THIS YEAR is going to be THE HARDEST YEAR. (Is this true? WHO KNOWS! But it's working right now.) This is the only year I have one kid in elementary school, one kid in preschool, and one baby at home. Next year I will, most likely, have two kids in elementary school and a toddler at home - MUCH EASIER. Even if I end up holding Molly, I will still have a first grader, a preschooler, and a toddler who only naps once a day. So knowing this is helping. I can say to myself, "Self? THIS IS HARD."

Right now I'm thinking I need to save all my beating-myself-up energy for dealing with a post-kindergarten day super tired, way cranky, brat-and-a-half JACKSON OMG. ("I don't KNOW what I did in kindergarten today MOMMY, can I have a SNACK NOW?"

Comments

[Jesabes]

I'm the same way. "My day was FINE, Thomas, is dinner READY YET?"
(He gets home two hours before me.)

[Lori]

The tireness will subside a bit after a week or so. I always found to get good answers about their day it was best to ask about their favorite thing that happened or least favorite thing. Those kinds of questions are easier for them to answer.

[julia in prague]

You do have your hands full and you're so SO hard on yourself. I find the older I get the less I beat myself up over every mistake, except where they involve the kids, and even that's gotten better with the second kid. Anyway, I think you are wonderful, taking care of three kids and doing tons of things besides. Give yourself some credit.

I too struggle to fit in the nap (and that's one nap a day) and my husband does the preschool drop-off.

[Susan]

You will be pleasantly surprised how much you are going to love Jack's kindergarten year. They grow and mature so much and it's magic watching them and having the privledge to be part of it!! You will get in the groove soon enough!
Try to focus on how wonderful your kids are doing and not so much on how you feel like your not doing! -if that makes any sense! Good luck! I can't wait to hear how Jack's first day went! :-)

[Hillary]

It sounds so pessimistic, but really, I've begun to believe that low expectations are the key to happiness. It's so nice to be pleasantly surprised.

[Reading (and chickens)]

I'm pretty sure that's what Anne Lamott says, isn't it? Low expectations are the key to happiness. And I can tell you, first grade is better than K, and second is EVEN BETTER than first. That or my expectations keep dwindling. Either way? WIN.

[Crystal]

The nap will take care of itself. She'll sleep in the car, and maybe she'll go to bed earlier. Or maybe you'll meet a carpooling friend...sometimes, good things happen that we weren't expecting. (I tell you this knowing that I, too, am very hard on myself and feel like a failure at some point most days! ack)