Soooo, I haven't mentioned anxiety in a while because HEY, BORING TOPIC and also NOTHING NEW. But the nothing newness is starting to really get to me, so we're going to have a quick chat about it, okay?
I STILL HAVE IT. I am on my third drug. I recently INCREASED the third drug. I am not better. Sometimes I think I'm better. But then I have a day like Saturday where I think, "Did I remember to tell them I wanted a DECAF latte?" and then a day like today where I didn't have any coffee and I still feel like I drank a vat. I'm starting to get handwringy, like nothing is ever going to work. Handwringy and upset and worried which, obvs, is not particularly helpful.
There are two things I started thinking about this week that may or may not have contributed to what is definitely an uptick. The first thing is that Phillip is going to be traveling a LOT in October and November. A LOT. We're both resigned to it. We'll deal. Whatever.
But this past business trip week, even though nothing HAPPENED and everything was NORMAL and AVERAGE, I still spent the weekend realizing how much easier things are when Phillip is home! Even just hanging around in the house! It's just nice not to be alone. I think my subconscious is maybe a little worried about the next two months. (My regular conscious would never admit to this, of course.)
And then the other thing is that the Blathering is coming up and the last time I went to the Blathering (Chicago, 2010) I had a pretty terrible anxiety episode? attack? moment? on Saturday night and it was so awful and... well, I'm just aghast at the idea that that could happen again. Travel and jet lag are sometimes triggers for me, I'm clearly not responding to medication, what if I go berserk at the Blathering again, WOE! DESPAIR! HYSTERICS!
Also, this is the time of year when, even if I've been doing well, I start to not do well. Also my baby still wakes up once or twice a night. Also we're still in transition mode with school and everything. If one of my partial theories is right and regular stress translates to anxiety in my body, then there's enough reason right there.
This is when I call friends or my mom and not to talk about anxiety but just to re-engage myself with the Real World. It's good to get out, you know? I have a long-scheduled doctor appointment on Friday. I keep telling myself that the doctors WANT me to feel better, that THEY don't think I should just suck it up. That I don't need to apologize for not being better. (WHY THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE, SELF?! FTLOG!)
Sooooo... [DEEP BREATH] .... everything will be fine. Eventually.
In the meantime I have finished YET ANOTHER book about WAR - you'd think this would contribute to the anxiety, but I don't think it does. There are definitely parts I have to skip, usually the first person accounts of some individual atrocity, but most of the time I am experiencing a sort of enlargening of my world. Yeah, sometimes it's way depressing - like, pretty much the entire time I read this book I was thinking, "Why didn't God send another flood? No REALLY. WHY DIDN'T HE SEND ANOTHER FLOOD?" But I also feel like I understand certain things SO much more, and I'm AWARE of so much more, and I like that. I like being outside of my own neuroses.
Oh, and there's another thing. @HereWeGoAJen had her [fantastically sweet and adorable] baby quite suddenly and as she started to describe the experience via Twitter I felt Actual Tightening in my abdomen, like I was tensing up for attack or something. SHE is the one who compared it to my experience with Emma! So I feel a little stupid that a year later I still have a physical reaction to quick/dramatic birth stories BUT. Jen told me that she had read EJ's birth story post just a few days earlier and knowing that quick/dramatic was a possibility helped her (somehow) and you guys, this is helping ME (somehow). Really. I've thought of it several times since she mentioned it and felt... I don't know. Kind of like OH. Someone found that helpful! Or useful or SOMETHING. Why this gives me some positivity I'm not really sure, but I'm grateful.
I guess I just list those things as two spots where anxiety hasn't invaded.
Please think good thoughts for my appointment on Friday? I'm absolutely certain of looking like and feeling like an idiot in front of my not terribly warm and fuzzy doctor. But I'm also absolutely certain he will take it as a personal affront that his prescription is not doing the trick, so at least there is that, right? Fingers crossed.