In case you were wondering, I am still a head case

Soooo, I haven't mentioned anxiety in a while because HEY, BORING TOPIC and also NOTHING NEW. But the nothing newness is starting to really get to me, so we're going to have a quick chat about it, okay? 

I STILL HAVE IT. I am on my third drug. I recently INCREASED the third drug. I am not better. Sometimes I think I'm better. But then I have a day like Saturday where I think, "Did I remember to tell them I wanted a DECAF latte?" and then a day like today where I didn't have any coffee and I still feel like I drank a vat. I'm starting to get handwringy, like nothing is ever going to work. Handwringy and upset and worried which, obvs, is not particularly helpful. 

There are two things I started thinking about this week that may or may not have contributed to what is definitely an uptick. The first thing is that Phillip is going to be traveling a LOT in October and November. A LOT. We're both resigned to it. We'll deal. Whatever. 

But this past business trip week, even though nothing HAPPENED and everything was NORMAL and AVERAGE, I still spent the weekend realizing how much easier things are when Phillip is home! Even just hanging around in the house! It's just nice not to be alone. I think my subconscious is maybe a little worried about the next two months. (My regular conscious would never admit to this, of course.)

And then the other thing is that the Blathering is coming up and the last time I went to the Blathering (Chicago, 2010) I had a pretty terrible anxiety episode? attack? moment? on Saturday night and it was so awful and... well, I'm just aghast at the idea that that could happen again. Travel and jet lag are sometimes triggers for me, I'm clearly not responding to medication, what if I go berserk at the Blathering again, WOE! DESPAIR! HYSTERICS!

Also, this is the time of year when, even if I've been doing well, I start to not do well. Also my baby still wakes up once or twice a night. Also we're still in transition mode with school and everything. If one of my partial theories is right and regular stress translates to anxiety in my body, then there's enough reason right there. 

This is when I call friends or my mom and not to talk about anxiety but just to re-engage myself with the Real World. It's good to get out, you know? I have a long-scheduled doctor appointment on Friday. I keep telling myself that the doctors WANT me to feel better, that THEY don't think I should just suck it up. That I don't need to apologize for not being better. (WHY THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE, SELF?! FTLOG!)

Sooooo... [DEEP BREATH] .... everything will be fine. Eventually. 

In the meantime I have finished YET ANOTHER book about WAR - you'd think this would contribute to the anxiety, but I don't think it does. There are definitely parts I have to skip, usually the first person accounts of some individual atrocity, but most of the time I am experiencing a sort of enlargening of my world. Yeah, sometimes it's way depressing - like, pretty much the entire time I read this book I was thinking, "Why didn't God send another flood? No REALLY. WHY DIDN'T HE SEND ANOTHER FLOOD?" But I also feel like I understand certain things SO much more, and I'm AWARE of so much more, and I like that. I like being outside of my own neuroses. 

Oh, and there's another thing. @HereWeGoAJen had her [fantastically sweet and adorable] baby quite suddenly and as she started to describe the experience via Twitter I felt Actual Tightening in my abdomen, like I was tensing up for attack or something. SHE is the one who compared it to my experience with Emma! So I feel a little stupid that a year later I still have a physical reaction to quick/dramatic birth stories BUT. Jen told me that she had read EJ's birth story post just a few days earlier and knowing that quick/dramatic was a possibility helped her (somehow) and you guys, this is helping ME (somehow). Really. I've thought of it several times since she mentioned it and felt... I don't know. Kind of like OH. Someone found that helpful! Or useful or SOMETHING. Why this gives me some positivity I'm not really sure, but I'm grateful. 

I guess I just list those things as two spots where anxiety hasn't invaded. 

Please think good thoughts for my appointment on Friday? I'm absolutely certain of looking like and feeling like an idiot in front of my not terribly warm and fuzzy doctor. But I'm also absolutely certain he will take it as a personal affront that his prescription is not doing the trick, so at least there is that, right? Fingers crossed. 

 

Comments

[Rach]

Wow. I could have written this...the anxiety is rearing its head over my way, too! Thank you for being so honest...I'm working my way through it. Muddling is more like it, but we'll be ok...right? Right?????? RRRRIIIIIIGHT???????????

(3 sodas and a 6 AM coffee did not help me today, either, it appears...i.e., WHY AM I HAVING A PANIC ATTACK OVER WHICH KIND OF MILK TO BUY?)

[Jen]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Here are my many good wishes for Friday - that an answer comes your way soon!!!

[HereWeGoAJen]

Oh good heavens, Maggie, it helped sooooo much. I was there in crazy fast labor and I was thinking "this is Maggie's birth! And she did it! I can do it!" And then I did! And I wasn't SURPRISED by any of it because you already did it! Also, mine was not quite as dramatic as yours since I did have mild lead up that day and the hospital caught on better than yours did, but really, couldn't have done it without you.

[katie]

Maggie, you've got a lot on your plate. Its a wonder that you can handle all that you do. And the thing is, you don't have to juggle everything by yourself. Its due time to find and put into practice a person to help you on a regular basis. Maybe there's a school family with an older tweenage person to come over after school? Or a preschool mom or neighbor who could watch EJ for an hour so you could be kid-free to sit and do whatever YOU want to do?
I am not an extrovert myself so I know how hard it is to ask someone you don't know very well for help, but IT IS SO WORTH IT. Take a leap of faith and ask someone to lend you a helping hand.

[Jennie]

I think September is kind of a shitty month for anxiety in general. It's probably my worst month but I have to tell myself that as I get anxious and chest-tightening and blue. I actually feel better this morning, like just the calendar page turning helps.

Is there anything your best buddies (hey! me!) can do in New Orleans? Does it help to just get away for a few minutes, walk around the block, go get a cookie or muffin or hurricane with someone and breathe for a while? I'm sure all will be swell, but I'm here in whatever way you may need, and I'd love to know what way is best to help, if that makes sense.

Big, gigantic hugs, friend.

[Kelley]

Oh Maggie! I have mild anxiety and I can feel it some days too. One thing (2 actually) that have helped/kept me sane with 3 kids under 3 are having my neighbor's daughter who is 16 help me for 2 days after school from 4-6:30pm until my husband gets home (he is a manager and works a lot like Phillip, but a lot less travel recently.)

The other is I joined a new gym for $10 a month and I go 2 nights a week (I have tried to do 3, one being a weekend night.) Yes we have an elliptical but I NEED that hour to myself after the older 2 go to bed and I leave the baby with my husband to put on my earphones and run! It is a little break while getting some exercise. (Oh and my husband plays hockey so he gets a little "break" himself.)

These things have helped me overall with feeling less anxious (I am not on meds or anything but I do get anxious and overwhelmed easily.) Oh and I get the birth thing...my last was born after a 3 1/2 hour labor start to finish and no pain meds. I so glad I did it (best healing ever and beats my first birth that was a csection, I had a horrible time healing) but it is def an experience!

Kelley

[Dr. Maureen]

Many many prayers and good thoughts your way, Maggie. Many.

[Rosemary]

Hey Maggie, I so relate to this - I'm anxious about my anxiety. . . is it hard for you to sit still? I have this problem. I am trying to make myself sit still to pray the rosary and it's really, really hard but it is helping me. I am going to email you about this I think. Hang in there - this is a really hard cross.

[Crystal]

*hugs*

[AmyRyb]

I saw a blog somewhere on Babble (I think) that talked about childbirth being as traumatic as WAR. Like PTSD. I thought of you when I saw it. Totally not my business, but have you ever talked to someone professional about that whole experience? I have no idea if that would help, but if it could be like PTSD, I wonder if there's some sort of buried stuff that could be contributing to something. Again, not my business and I have no idea how much it still impacts you on a day to day basis, but I thought I'd mention it. Hope everything gets better soon...

[Mike]

Have you tried changing your diet or light therapy. They are many things you can do to help with your anxiety. Drugs aren't the only solution.