This may be the very first post in which I use a swear word, but I am only quoting Anne Lamott so it's okay

Yesterday was rough, and it wasn't because of the kids, it was because of me. I am anxious again and hopeless about it, tired, overemotional, rethinking this baby evaluation stuff, mad at the scale because I've been really good about not eating sugar and the number hasn't budged. 

The first thing I did was buy two chocolate bars when I did my near-daily Target run, and I ate one of them in world-record time - screw the scale. I felt better. 

The second thing I did was to wake up this morning and think: what would it be like if I wasn't so hard on myself? 

See, I don't think I AM hard on myself! I tell everyone this. Someone who is hard on herself wouldn't leave dishes in the sink for days or let her kid go out with his hair all crazy-like or actively decide to NOT vacuum when she knows the baby professionals are visiting AND will sit on her floor. CLEARLY a hard-on-herself woman would NEVER allow such things. So I sit here and congratulate myself on tolerating my lazy slobness, for only beating myself up about it once in a while. 

And that's true, I think. Things about which I am not particularly twitchy include: housecleaning, how my kids are dressed, cooking skill, what milestones my kids are reaching and when, whether or not I am involved enough in church or school or community stuff, ETC. Watch me be laid back! Woo!

Sometimes I'll write angsty blog posts about those things, as you know, and I'll have to say "I AM ACTUALLY FINE WITH THIS, I AM JUST LETTING OFF SOME STEAM!" because I know YOU and you are very nice people. 

But sometimes I'll write angsty blog posts about other things and I'll give the same "I AM FINE" disclosure, because I really think I AM, but actually, no, no no no I am not. 

I am not fine about my weight. I weigh all of three pounds above my pre-Emma weight. If I lost those three pounds NO ONE, INCLUDING MYSELF would be able to tell. Three pounds is not going to do ANYTHING for me. But I am dogged in pursuing those last three pounds, and I've actually bumped it up to five because I think I COULD tell if I lost five, and for some reason this is very very important. It's very much about fitting into my pants, but it's even more so about accomplishing an etched-in-stone goal. If I don't lose these three pounds then I can't say, "I lost the baby weight three times!" I can't stick my tongue out at the Medical Professionals who gasped when I told them how much I gain during pregnancy. I won't impress the handful of people who always make sure to tell me I'm doing such a great job on my weight loss efforts. I will have failed. And even though three pounds is negligible, even though losing weight this time is much harder to accomplish for very good and obvious reasons, even though I fit into 95% of my pre-pregnancy clothes - I am still a failure at losing the baby weight. 

I am not fine about anxiety. I thought I'd made some progress here, what with my total acceptance of crazy pills and my belief that it's More Like A Chronic Illness Than A Failing Of Intelligence. But I am still beyond frustrated that there is nothing I can do about it. It still doesn't make sense to me. How can I feel AFRAID, but not be able to tell myself to STOP FEELING AFRAID? How does that even WORK? What is WRONG with me? I don't think this way about other people, I only think it about myself. That if only I were less sensitive, had more faith, more courage, prayed harder, I could make myself fine. If only I was better at talking to doctors, if I wasn't such an uncomfortable-joke-making-Chandler in their offices, if I was more articulate, if I knew what they wanted me to say, I would have a medicine that works now. I at least wouldn't have waited an entire month to tell the doctor that my medicine suddenly gives me horrible lightheaded side effects if I take it during the day, and I can't tolerate it anymore. Who suddenly has side effects after taking something for two months?! He probably won't even believe me! I am so bad at this, in so many terrible ways. 

I am not fine about discipline. Not at all. Some days it's fine. Sometimes I am in a ball, crying, so angry and upset with myself for not being able to do something that SEEMS EASY. What am I missing in the equation: tell child to stop jumping off the couch = child stops jumping off the couch [for more than 10 seconds]. 

I am not fine about writing. I am supposed to be writing Other Stuff. The disclosure here is, "I AM FINE, I KNOW I AM A PARENT OF SMALL CHILDREN, TIS A SEASON FOR EVERYTHING, LA LA LA" but I don't believe it. I believe writers write and I don't always believe this space counts. I must not be a real writer. Anne Lamott would tell me to write a shitty first draft, to take 10 minutes and write my short assignment and OH MAN do I find her writing tweets inspirational and challenging and encouraging and YES I CAN DO THIS, ANNE! But then someone spills milk or I am too tired or I am just too busy being hard on myself, and I fail at even the shitty first draft. 

But this morning I really am honest to goodness wondering: what would it be like to not care? Or let it go? Or have more grace for myself? What would that even look like? Would I be recognizable?

Is it even possible? I feel like I have this wispy layer of bloggy angst, then a very thick layer of sensible rational normal-ness. That's where I live most of my life and except for your average mom-of-small-kids setbacks and frustrations, everything's pretty fine and looking good. Then underneath that is the real me, the core, where I'm most who I am, all the good and the bad. And the good is so awesome, the good is everything God sees in me. And the bad is... well, right now the bad is like this twisted mottled ball of fear: indissoluble, everlasting, fear of failure, fear of unworthiness. Fear that if I don't do something the right way, or the way that other people expect; fear that if I don't accomplish something; fear that if I can't get it done; fear that if I can't figure it out, then all the rest, all the good things about me aren't real. They aren't enough. Those three pounds will bury the 27 I've lost, I must have no faith at all because I can't make the anxiety go away, I can't be a good parent, I can't be a writer.

And then! I make it worse! Instead of grasping all the things God made me to be and knowing the rest is redeemed, letting those things fly away, letting them die on the cross; I cling tightly to my flaws and sin and darker parts - my FEAR - and I tell God, "Just let me make all these not-so-awesome parts disappear first, let ME take the blame, let ME deal with my fear - then I can be the person you made me to be." 

The thing is, I don't even believe that's possible. The entire Christian faith is built on Jesus taking the blame! And beating myself up is not at all how God wants me to be spending the little energy I have these days. So what if I didn't do that? HOW do I not do that? I may have said this before, but just knowing what your Stuff is does not mean you can break free. 

 

Comments

[Susie]

I'm not sure I have anything useful or insightful to say, but I very much love your thoughts, and the way you share them.

[Rosemary]

There's so much I'd like to say here - for some reason it come to my mind your name means "pearl" - I love the name Margaret so I know. I wonder if that ball of fear could turn precious? hmmmm. . . I don't know how, I'm just saying, it kinda has to, right? All will be well.

Also, I have to call you on it - it is absurd to say discipline seems easy or should be easy. I related to all the other stuff you said, but the discipline? No way, it is not easy. It has occurred to me that you might be happier as a more "wishy-washy" parent. ;) I know I am.

[Rosemary]

hey maggie, I didn't mean to sound harsh on the discipline thing - not very wishy washy of me - huh? I said it was absurd to make you feel better but it probably didn't, huh? We all struggle with this issue, though, A LOT. Especially in stressful times.

[Christina]

I hear you. And this is why your blog is the only one I visit most of the time. Because you speak my language, and make me feel not so crazy. Do you know what I am spending all my mental energy on these days? A new blog name. I'm DYING to blog, but decided that I need to start a new (anonymous - from my mother) blog and I can't do that without a NAME. Talk about a pathetic case of writer's block! See... your shitty first drafts kick my lack of title's butt. :)

[Alyssa]

Maggie, I so get this! I have so much anxiety over being a good mom. And the pills help, but why can't I just be different? Anyway, I love the way you write, it's so real. Hang in there. It's good to know I'm not alone in these feelings, and your writing truly helps me a lot!

[Katie B.]

My natural inclination and personality is to fear. Fear the unknown, fear the what-ifs. If left to my own devices, I will worry myself into a tizzy. I will imagine all of the possible negative outcomes just "in case" one of them happens...because then, if it does, I will be prepared. I will have already felt those feelings and I will not be surprised by them. I will know how to handle them in the event that something bad happens. How awful a way to live, no? That is why every single day I have to wake up and choose to trust that the Lord has ordered my steps for the day and that all I can do is what this day has in store: the good, the bad, the stressful, the exciting, and the beautiful. I totally get what you are saying and how you are feeling. I wish I had more sage advice than to simply say, I understand. :)

[HereWeGoAJen]

My vote is that three pounds is normal variation, so you have already lost the baby weight. And weird side effects can turn up any time. I actually tend to have stronger reactions to medicines the more times I take them and they have less of the effect that they are supposed to. I've had to stop taking any of those pain relief PM medicines because the PM thing does something funny to me, even though I used to be able to take them like candy.

Internet hugs to you.

[Hillary]

I've had some Not So Nice things happen in my life and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out WHY. Why did that person do this? Why did this happen then? What is the truth of the situation? What I finally realized is, it doesn't matter. I can't control any of that and even if I knew the truth and the whys -- and I did find some -- it didn't change my truth and my reality. It's not a perfect analogy. I'm just trying to say, yes, you're absolutely right. Knowing doesn't mean everything is resolved.

Also, for the record, I'm with Jen. Three pounds is normal variation.

[Erica]

Anxiety sucks times a million. It MIGHT be making us compelling, dynamic writers, though. Or just you.

[Erin G @ebum1101]

Another post I want to bookmark. You ARE writing, Maggie. And what you're writing is hopeful and funny to people like me. I get it, I've got The Mental Stuff too. I know you want to write other stuff, but I think what you're writing now is more important than you know. Can you have faith that God is okay with what you're doing now, and how you're using your abilities? I know it's so much harder to see from where you're sitting. But from where I'm sitting (on the other side of your computer screen, also struggling, also trying to laugh, also a mommy-of-three desperately trying to figure out my Stuff)... you rock, really.

[Mary]

Im with you in the doctor thing, it has taken me months and several appoitnments just to find the right dr. who i felt ok with to just say "i dont feel right, i feel down, frustrated, GIVE ME PILLS" if a dr looked at me weird, or didnt act a certain way I just couldnt muster up the words and spit them out of my mouth. MOst the time i feel not normal, and think how everyone else in America are doing things the "right way" or parenting better or being a good wife better and the list goes on and on. The worst is when isee myself ina picrure and think "dang i looked great" but rememeber at that time i felt FAT. Hate that, bc its like when will I feel good in the moment? Im afraid sometimes i never will. Its hard to kick anxiety and fear and understand how to get ourselves thru the day to day things and feel good. You sound like a great Mom and wife and daughter and seems like you have an amazing life, but i get when the way our life appears doesnt always refelct how we really feel,