By the time I post this I will be fine, HONEST

At Emma's nine month appointment in June, the doctor and I had a frank discussion re: the baby's notable lack of forward motion. Or any motion, really. She still hadn't rolled over at 9 months. She sat, happy and content, and when she was done sitting she hollered for someone to come get her. (Which we did. Nobody is a fan of the hollering.)

Neither of us were particularly concerned. Anyone who has met or held Emma can vouch for her, ah, muscle tone. That said, the doctor gave me a referral for a birth to three program (or Thrive by Five? one of those things) and a few weeks later I called them up. They would send a therapist out, for free, to my house, to evaluate my baby and let me know if I needed to Officially Worry or just be wry and self-deprecating on my blog. It actually sounded fun. Or at least Neat and Interesting.

The appointment is tomorrow afternoon. And up until, oh, two-ish days ago I was fine. Now I'm Officially Worried in advance. 

So far I've been telling myself that I've done this before. With Jack it was speech. The doctor (this same doctor, actually) told me that he needed at least a FEW words by 14 months, otherwise I should take him in and get him evaluated. (I did not do this.) I don't remember when he really started talking, but it wasn't long after that, and now I wish he would just shut up once in a while. 

With Molly it was walking. She never crawled, but by Emma's age she was doing a modified cheerleader-style scoot on her bottom. Phillip and I were both fairly certain she was CAPABLE of walking, she just didn't WANT to, and this was perfectly in character. She started walking at 16 months, but only because my parents (totally sick of her enabling parents, I'm sure) put her through a bit of walking boot camp one afternoon and after an hour or so Jack was chasing her around the house. 

This is mostly how I feel about Emma. This whole time I've been feeling like she just doesn't FEEL like rolling or scooting or crawling or pulling up. It's not a stubborn thing, like Molly, but kind of a motivation thing? She doesn't really care? And whatever, I sort of PREFER not to have to worry about her pitching herself down the stairs. 

Until, like I said, just the last few days. The last few days I'm suddenly feeling tremendously guilty and upset about it. I'm combing through all the things I've done with her - swaddling her for so long, still giving her a bottle at night, never letting her cry it out, I don't think I've even had someone else put her to bed besides Phillip. All these things have been TOTALLY FINE with me, things that even if other people found questionable I DIDN'T CARE - now they all feel WRONG. 

Today really took all that to a breaking point, and the breaking point was in the car on the way home from VBS. 

By the time we had to pick up the older kids, Emma was pretty fussy. I thought it was just the no-big-kids (weird for both of us) or getting in the car again, but then she fell asleep! Instantly! Which almost never happens. And it was noon and she hadn't had lunch and I was going to have to get her OUT of the car to get the other kids - this is when I started feeling horrible. 

Because what if NOON is when Emma wants to take her nap? Follow me on this train of thought, won't you? What if Emma would like to nap at NOON, but has NEVER napped at noon, because we are always picking someone up from preschool at noon AND/OR the big kids don't do quiet time until one and I am always in pursuit of the Coordinated Rest Time. What if those crappy one hour afternoon naps and even crappier nighttime sleeps were because her whole life I've put her on the big kids' schedule, put all the pick ups and drop offs before HER needs. What if things have been so hard because I'VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING ALL WRONG?!?!

So, according to me, she is not crawling because I spoil her, and she's not sleeping because I don't put her first. And this is why I was doing the Silent Cry in the car and no one was allowed to talk to me until we got home.* I put Emma to bed without lunch (she went back to sleep right away), fed the big kids, and fretted fretted fretted. It didn't matter that she woke up a bit earlier than usual, or it was just a weird day, or any other dozen explanations - I could not get out of my Terrible Mother Tunnel Vision. 

Our weekend with friends/joint couples' therapy session is coming up and I've been summarizing my year in my head when I have time. What will I say? How will I describe the addition of this third kid? I will say: it's the schedule. It's the combining of adult and preschool and baby schedules. Everyone - EVERYONE- said that the third baby just blends in and goes along with everyone else, and Emma HAS, but maybe that hasn't been GOOD. Maybe if I'd paid more or better attention, things would have been/would be easier. I've felt awful dragging her along to all our THINGS, I felt AWFUL waking her up in the car to get Jack and Molly. I felt like a HORRIBLE MOTHER. 

And I keep imagining what this therapist is going to say to me. "You don't let her figure anything out on her own. You never put her on her tummy. You don't try new things with her. You swaddled her too long. You don't play with her right. You don't play with her at all. Didn't you learn ANYTHING by your third kid?" 

And I will stand there meekly and say, "But she's happy? And I tried. I really did try."

*Alternate explanation: PMS (BLARGH)

Comments

[Emily]

I feel like we're living similar lives with similar concerns! My daughter is 18 mo and we're worried about her speech - as in at 15 mo she said Dada and 'itty' (which = kitty). Even now she has only a handful of 'words'. Her 18 mo appointment is on Friday and I'm 99% sure the Dr is going to recommend an evaluations.

This is where the anxiety that it's MY fault that she's not talking comes in... I mean - I'm home with her all day and I pretty much know what/when she needs something. Why deal with the screaming/crying/general fit throwing 18mo old children are exceptionally good at if I KNOW how to fix it?

In theory, evaluations are a good thing. The earlier we catch issues and all that yadda yadda. However, I still can't get past the feeling of inadequacy and failure.

I get it. I do. It's not your fault that Emma's not rolling or moving. Baring any physical issue, she'll move when she's good and ready. Maybe the evaluator will give you some ideas on things you can do to help her.

[Katie B.]

I only have two children and I feel the same way about my youngest. He still wakes up at night and I know I just need to let him cry it out but I have no clue how to do that and not wake his brother...who will be another pill and a half to get back to sleep if he wakes up. So, if it makes you feel any better, I'm in the same boat with you! :)

[Wendy]

My daughters did not crawl until they were about a year old. They took their first steps at 15 months, but didn't walk by choice until they were 18 months. Each of these milestones were considerably later than their older brother (who was not a terribly early walker -13 months), but we could justify anything because they were born a month early. Then my nephew came along. He was born at full-term, but didn't walk until he was nearly 20 months. So I didn't feel so bad about my pudgy little daughters who prefered to sit still rather than move. They were also fairly late to talk, they didn't say much by 18 months, but now are nearly 3 and talk talk talk talk sing sing all the darn day. I have this theory that the chubbier babies crawl and walk later. Maybe? Whow knows. I think Molly is perfect, you don't need to worry!

[Doing My Best]

I feel like this SO OFTEN right now; there are 3 1/2 years between my 4th and 5th children, so the older 4 kids are all in the kid stage, but #5 is still in the toddler/terrible 2's stage. I feel like he's constantly getting shuffled around while I try to deal with/take care of/teach the older kids =(. There's a reason I picked "Doing My Best" for my internet name! I can only hope that my best is good enough!

[HereWeGoAJen]

I am sure that Emma is just fine! I am a big believer in Kids Do Things When They Want To. Elizabeth was swaddled for practically forever and she was an early walker because she wanted to so much. But she didn't talk for a long time because she just didn't care as much. Emma probably just thinks that being carried about like a princess and entertained where she is sitting is her right as Third Baby.

Good luck at the evaluation. It does sound interesting and like a good blog topic. So I expect a full report for my own curiosity.

[Hillary]

I think the title of this post is the most important part.

Also, if the therapist in real life says anything your imaginary therapist says, I will punch him/her for you.

[A'Dell]

Wait, kids are supposed to have more words at this age? Charlotte is 15 months and all she says is dada, no, whoa and uh-oh. And the last two are not so much WORDS but sound effects. And she says no and dada to things that don't apply.

Claire, on the other hand, (and I had to check my archives) had well over 20 words by 18 months, including the phrase "I'm stuck!" which I know is three months away, BUT STILL. That seems like a big gap between them. Huh.

My brother didn't talk for a LONG TIME. Like, my mom took him in to have his hearing checked because she was worried her was deaf because there were NONE WORDS.

The doctor kind of looked at him and observed him for a while and then laughed and said, "Duh, lady, the big sister is doing all the communicating for him. Kid doesn't NEED to talk, so he isn't!" So they told me to stop saying things for him (He's hungry! he wants that toy!) and lo and behold...he started to talk.

I wonder if that's a subsequent child thing? The older kids doing some communicating for them? Walking, talking, etc? I mean, why walk/crawl when there are all these big kids to BRING stuff to you?

[Rosemary]

I have two and my second does things a few (or so) months after my first did them. At I think 18 mos my baby didn't have more than 2 words, but now he is 24 and talking a lot.

Maggie, I'll say a prayer for you. It's hard. Everything you've said about Emma has sounded like she rocks - I mean she's hard but she's happy. You've done great by her. Give her to God- she's his anyway. :)

[Sonya aka Glam-O-Mommy]

Maggie, don't be so hard on yourself. Sophie didn't crawl till she was 11 months old and she had been in daycare for seven months by that point watching all the babies crawl around her! She just wasn't motivated. Then, she basically skipped crawling and just started cruising and was fully walking by 13 months. I'm sure Emma will be fine and will start moving when she wants to! She's just not there yet.

Now, the nap thing is kind of interesting though. I don't know how your dropoff/pickup schedule works. Sophie is always great at sleeping IN the car when she's tired. The car lulls her to sleep. Is there any chance Emma could nap in the car on the way to pickup? Maybe you could leave a little earlier and drive around a little more (or do what I like to do-go through drive-thrus: Starbucks, the Pharmacy, whatever). I don't know...just a thought. Maybe one, good mid-day nap, even a short one in the car, would make the rest of the day and night better for Emma and for you?

Nonetheless, you are a great mom with great kids. You are doing a great job and you care very much about doing a great job. That's the most important thing. Hang in there!

[Julia in Prague]

Good luck for the evaluation. Emma seems like such a happy baby who is developing just fine. My older daughter started walking at 18 months and the therapist specifically told us not to push the issue. They have to do things in their own time, so try not to worry.

[Kelley]

Oh Maggie you are a great mom. You are doing your best. I have a a 3 1/2 year old, 2 year old and 4 month old. My first had a few words and walked at 13 months where my daughter talked a ton but didn't walk until she was 15, almost 16 months. I always read girls talk sooner but crawl/walk later, but I honestly think it depends on the child. I blamed myself too for her "later" walking because maybe we did too much etc even though she did tummy time and spent time with me at home.

My 4 month old still sleeps swaddled and his nap schedule besides one good afternoon nap and bedtime is not good from taking the other 2 to playdates and activities in the morning. I am now trying to do everything in the morning, let them all nap at 12:30pm and stay home the rest of the day. We will see how Lon that lasts! Now I am wondering how it will be when school starts and I have to pick up at noon, I am not looking forward to that!

Please know you are a great mom and I think Emma will be just fine!

[PinkieBling]

One look at Emma's gorgeous, million-watt smile makes me think that you're doing just fine by her. Good luck with the evaluation!

[American Family]

The great thing about early intervention is that any delay they find can usually be resolved so quickly due to the kids' young ages. Our L has had physical therapy and it showed me that some kids just need the right nudge before they will try a new skill. It could be personality, it could be parenting, it could be just the luck of the draw if you get a kid that doesn't want to do it.

My aunt used to be one of the evaluators for EI and she told stories of a kid who had sucker stuck in her hair for several visits in a row (!) and her parents never bothered to get it out or wash her hair. There is no way you are even close to the parents these evaluators will judge. They see the full spectrum of kids and families, some with big issues and others with only minor issues that need tweeking.

I would be willing to bet they will be sitting on the floor with your baby though, so if you worry about those kinds of things you might want to vacuum up any dust bunnies. (Not that we just had dust bunnies end up in a visitor's hair this week or anything).

[American Family]

One more thing, when L had pretty significant gross motor delays, I found a great book called "Why Motor Skills Matter". It explains why motor skills are not just about walking or sitting, they are clues to a baby's development and brain connections that they will need their whole lives. I am not explaining it well, but it is a great book that definitely does not make you feel bad.