We have a pretty large deck along the back of our house, plus a long-ish balcony off the living room and another off the master bedroom (the upper level is the main floor of the house) and all day long I kept hearing THUNK! and KA-THUNK! and terror-jolting up from my various napping positions with visions of dead birds. Dead birds are one of my very least favorite things. Except I forget, even after a year, that my house and it's deck and balconies are in a to the death battle with the surrounding evergreen trees, and the trees are winning. First they will incapacitate us by stoning via pinecone, then our senseless unconscious bodies will be buried under the pine needles.
Jack and I counted twenty-two pinecones on the deck. That's twenty-two terror-jolts, people.
I was napping because - and again, I feel like both A Cliche and A Bore writing about this, but OH WELL - the crazy pills are messing with me. I thought I was in the clear, but for some reason I've been feeling super nauseous in the mornings and even more anxious than I was before. That's not really the PLAN. So. On the advice of my personal pharmacist I increased the dose and now I'll wait it out a bit longer. And NO, I'm not pregnant (which is the first thing my personal pharmacist asked me) (and I know you people) (NOOOO).
Anyway, napping is a bit of a respite. Usually I can't sleep at all when I'm anxious, but this anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with Anything Going On, hence the MEDS (SRSLY, BODY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU) so I don't have to, you know, fight my brain to empty it and zone out. Jack was at school until 2:30 practicing for the Spring Concert and my in-laws were here this afternoon so there was plenty of time for zoning out. Also for reading more of my Hitler book. (And you are SO my people. I LOVE YOU.)
I'm really lucky, I know it.
Jack at school until 2:30 - it was maybe a taste of kindergarten? It was weird knowing I could just do lunch for Molly and not worry about going to get Jack. Although I had no idea what to do about Emma's nap. First I texted the FPC to see if she could come sit here while EJ napped, then I found out my in-laws could come a bit early. Day = saved. But what to do come kindergarten? Will Jack take the bus in the afternoons? Is that how it's going to work? Maybe I should worry about that later.
Oh dear God can you imagine if I WAS pregnant? EJ is about Jack's age when I got pregnant with Molly. I was ecstatic then. I'd been ready for a new baby for months! (Phillip: not so much.) And even with Molly when I was more ambivalent, I would still have been so excited. And was excited. But right now the thought of a new baby fills me with Abject Terror. Dread, even. I feel awful saying that, but there are days right now when I feel like I am Barely Hanging On. (Phillip: THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING!)
Let's not think about that either.
Who knows where this blog post is going.
It's not warm, but it's sunny right now and I just swept the whole deck and the kids are blowing bubbles and spring makes me hopeful. Well, until it starts to rain again, but right now I feel hopeful. Excited for the parties we'll have on that deck. The almost five-year-old in my house. His sister with her new haircut. The smiley baby. I really am so lucky.