This is why I ate cookie dough for dinner SHUT UP
Explanation for tonight's post: Phillip is working late

Like candy to my soul

I was sitting at a stoplight when 'Crash' by the Dave Matthews Band came on the radio. I heard this song for the first time on a mix tape a high school friend made for me - she was a freshman in college, I was a high school senior, and we were hanging out over Christmas break. Also on this mix tape: the Indigo Girls, Ani DiFranco, Sinead O'Connor... it was a very influential mix tape. 

The light changed and I realized I was hearing the lyrics for the first time. I know the words, like a lot of people Of My Era, but I hadn't really heard them and I found myself thinking my my Dave, you're making me blush. 

And for some reason I flashed back to the moment a few years ago when I happened to be standing next to Dave Matthews at a church-sponsored toddler gym morning while he chatted with a friend of mine. Out of context (though what would the right context be? A CD cover?) he looked to be just another exhausted parent wrangling a two- or three-year-old, a person to be pitied just like the rest of us. But I heard the whisperings of the other moms, realized exactly who it was talking to my friend, and became tongue tied. You are famous, I thought. I am a stranger to you, but you are not a stranger to me.

Listening to this song was now intimate, almost uncomfortable. The Dave Matthews at the toddler gym had struck me as quiet and unassuming, and here he was crooning these innuendo-ish things over my car radio. And I wondered if he knew, if he ever thought about it. Does he walk into a grocery store and feel known? Does he visit a toddler play gym and understand the moms there will have heard his deepest thoughts? How does that make him feel? When he drives his car and hears his own music on the radio, does he look into the cars passing by and wonders if his own heartbreak touches them in some way? I thought these things as I drove, and in those moments I felt that Dave Matthews was a very brave soul.

But lately, and who knows why, I am consumed with wanting to be Dave Matthews. I am drawn to what he does, what all artists do. I feel called to it, like I am not living my whole life, I am not fully who God made me to be, unless I also reveal a truth in some highly vulnerable, highly public way. And then I think get over yourself, Maggie and go on with the rest of my day, making food and cleaning up spills and changing diapers and wishing for Phillip to get home. 

I have a great fear that I will never get my truths out. I don't even know what these truths are. But I don't intend to sing or paint or dance them, they need to be written out and (this is important) read. I dread that part and crave it at the same time. This is just a vague floaty feeling inside me, the nebulous gas of whatever it is I should be doing with this life. 

Comments

Meghan

[Confidential to Maggie: you do do that here. You are doing it. We are reading it. And loving it.] Love, Meghan

lindsay

you will get your truths out Maggie!
I've learned for myself that most my truths pertain to specific people and it's become less important to me to share them with the world at large, and more important to share them with the person it relates to. It's difficult for me, so far there are 2...maybe 3 people I've pulled it off with. I have more to say to more people, but not yet the guts to say it. One day at a time I guess...dare I say, bird by bird?

Hillary

I know you're probably thinking a book ... but I have to tell you, you are doing it here. When I went to The Blathering last year, I felt about so many of those women, those bloggers, just like I would feel about a singer or an author. I was sad you weren't there -- and I can't wait for November -- because you are one of the writers I admire.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I agree with others - that you are revealing your truths here (and on the Catholic blog). But that doesn't mean you should NOT write a book!

This was a beautiful post, by the way. These feelings you relay exist inside me, too.

Jennie

This post was just....perfect. I have a zillion other thoughts after reading it, but all I can think to say is perfect, just perfect.

AmyRyb

I agree with the other commenters...you brighten our lives and remind us that the less glorious moments of motherhood are normal, and that there are amazing moments among them, too. I know what you mean, though. I sit at my desk at work every day and pause when my slideshow screensaver pops up. I see all these amazing moments that happen outside of that office and wonder why I'm sitting there. I have to, of course, but I feel like I'm just killing time and missing out on a more enriched life. I know that not working wouldn't solve everything (I've read enough SAHM blogs to know that), but I feel like there are moments to be had and pictures to be taken, and none of that is happening at my desk. Not sure how to capture what I want, either, but I feel your pain.

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