Saturday morning I woke up angry. I don't know. I JUST WAS, OKAY?
Phillip kept saying, "Go get a coffee!" "Go out!" and being all NICE about it, but because I was feeling Angry and perhaps a bit Surly about everything, I felt like shouting, "I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT! I WANT EVERYONE ELSE TO GO OUT!"
(I did not say this.)
But it's true, I just wanted to pick up the living room and have it STAY toy-free for more than five minutes. I wanted to clean the kitchen and just have it STAY clean. I wanted to feel caught up on laundry and I wanted to put all the papers on my desk away and I wanted to pack up maternity clothes and clear off the dining room table and pick up my bedroom and GAH WHY AM I ALWAYS CLEANING UP AFTER EVERYBODEEEEEEE!!!
(My mother just read that and is now thinking to herself, "VINDICATION.")
Instead! I stomped around and yelled a lot, but at some point things got better (my in-laws came over and played with the kids? I went for a run? I invited friends for dinner thereby giving myself Something Fun To Do?)
And then I woke up sort of angry TODAY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Well, last night I had freaky deaky dreams that left me way un-rested and then I thought I was going to bust open a few preschooler noggins in church this morning. This is particularly unfair, as my kids 1) are getting sick and 2) were JUST FINE in church. I don't know what it was. Like I suddenly decided that everyone needed to sit stock still and pay attention and quit hanging on me and what, you need another Kleenex AGAIN? Blargh! I wasn't ANGRY in church so much as... TIRED. I was tired. There you go.
Hours later I took myself out on a restorative trip to Target where I purchased all sorts of clearance items for my house, including a five dollar tablecloth that I turned into a curtain "headboard" in my bedroom. I would post a picture except 1) it's kind of too dark right now and 2) I want to find my bedroom BEFORE pictures and 3) you probably won't like it anyway and i am not in the mood for anything other than "OBVS YOU ARE THE NEXT MARTHA."
It wasn't that long ago that we stayed forever after church talking with all the other parents of small children. I looked forward to this! But I honestly can't remember the last time that I didn't just want to fling myself at the exit and zoom back home. I feel so frazzled after church, even today when I SWEAR my kids were TOTALLY FINE. Maybe it's the whole process - getting up, getting ready, getting everyone in the car, hauling everyone into Mass, getting everyone settled with their crayons (with which to deface the worship aids). The people I used to talk to all the time are probably all, "WHATEVS, CHEUNGS" and we will never be invited to coffee hour again.
I keep feeling like this is just my life and it's not particularly hard or particularly easy and I get as much sleep as any other mom in my position and actually I have so much help and my kids were so fun today so where does the ragey tiredness come from?!?!
Phillip and Emma and I are headed to Portland this weekend and we are reeeeeally looking forward to it. I don't think it's about sending the big kids to the grandparents for two nights so much as just a Change of Scenery. I feel awful saying that, again, because I just HAD a change of scenery, just a few weeks ago I was sitting by a POOL eating a giant stack of PANCAKES delivered to my LOUNGE CHAIR. But what can I say, another little mini-vacation is sounding pretty nice.