I continue to be Unimpressed with myself.
Your comments on my birth story post were incredibly helpful for me to read. I feel like I have a broader perspective on my experience and at some point I want to tell you what clicked in my brain. I'm so glad I wrote it out here and you told me what you were thinking.
But now I am Unimpressed with other things and I am wondering if this is just going to be a new state of being.
In case you are new around here, I like to do things right. I'm not so much a perfectionist as I am a Rule Following, People Pleasing, On Top Of Things, Knows What To Do Before You Tell Me-ist. I hate - hate -to look stupid. Or foolish or out of touch or confused or lost or anything even REMOTELY close to stupid. I've even become rather skilled in faking already-knowing-everything, so much is my need to be perceived in this way.
I am really fun to be around!
But I failed at preschool this year. I mean, I FAILED. I think your average un-neurotic person would just swear a little, take a deep breath, put it behind her and soldier on, either deciding to suck it up and deal or create a new plan. I waver back and forth between both of those options, but most of the time I am berating myself for being so dumb in the first place. I should have known! What was I thinking?!
I am embarrassed to find myself in this predicament. I'm embarrassed to tell other people where I went wrong. Everyone must think I'm such an idiot. Everyone must have known this was a hugely bad idea and just didn't tell me because they knew I wouldn't listen! Because not only do I need to do things right, if you tell me I'm not doing something right I will keep doing it my way just to prove you wrong! DON'T YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME?!
Anyway, all the solutions to my preschool problem - which amounts to Two Different Schools With Two Different Schedules Is A Giant Pain In The Butt - involve 1) asking for special treatment and/or 2) admitting I was wrong. Two things I am REALLY BAD AT.
Admitting I was wrong - that's sort of a standard thing to be bad at. I might be worse at it than most people, but still, it's pretty common and you know what it entails.
But the special treatment stuff... basically I have asked three people now to bend the rules for me. This is painful. Every time I've done it I've had to take many deep breaths, pray, write a bunch of drafts, and then remind myself that I'm a parent now and I've got to do what's right for my family, even if it makes me redfaced, even if people might make tsk tsking sounds.
So first I asked Jack's school if they would consider letting a three-year-old into the four- and five-year-old class. Even though I was pretty sure the teacher would not like it. I was also pretty sure they wouldn't allow it. And my email to the principal bent over backwards to acknowledge that this was Unorthodox. Because God forbid they roll their eyes at me when I can't see them!
Then I asked Molly's school to take Jack! But they're full. And the look I got from the preschool director was somewhere between Pity and I Told You So and What An Idiot, possibly because when I was enrolling Molly she tried extra hard to get me to enroll Jack as well. Quoth me, "Oh, I really don't want to have them in the same class!" OH STUPID ME!
After heaps of Internet Research I finally emailed the principal of my parish school to see if THEY had openings. Because, unbeknownst to me, their school has the perfect schedule. Why hadn't I considered them in the first place? Because they weren't in my neighborhood. And I was all about Being Part Of My Community. OH I WAS SO STUPID. I no longer care about community, I care about how many times I have to haul the stupid baby car seat in and out of the van. THERE. I SAID IT.
Aaaand, request denied! Well, we are waitlisted. Then several people told me to email the priest, to see what he could do, and I just felt like... EW! I mean, it'd be one thing if my kids weren't doing well and I was desperate to remove them. But this is all about ME screwing up. I'd be asking him for special treatment because I messed up. Oh, the shame! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!
But I did anyway. Because I do think this would be the best scenario. But you better believe I stressed over that email. How to beg without sounding like I was begging? Or even asking for anything more than information? I believe in fairness and inclusivity and taking your lumps, I DO! But I am asking anyway and he'll see right through me and then he will probably do his best to help me, because he knows us and he's all about getting parish families into the school.
I imagine a lot of you cannot believe I managed to crank out a post about my crippling SHAME over my failure to set up the ideal preschool scenario before the baby was born. I can see you composing your, "OMG GET OVER IT" and "You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself you WACKADOO" and "UR BLOG SUX" comments right now! But maybe some of you know exactly what I'm talking about and are ALSO the sorts of people who would rather die than expose your failure to succeed. And who also know very well that equating "ideal preschool scenario" with "personal success" is all kinds of messed up, but who are too busy beating themselves up about it to change.