SO YEAH. That happened. And for the record, I am REALLY GLAD I didn't know how many of you had 1 and 2 and 3 hour labors. EGAD.
I'm not sure what else to say about it, but I do have this NEED to "decide" how I feel about it. I would like to be all: DUDE. AM MADE OF AWESOME. but I'm not really leaning that way. It feels more like something that happened to me, that I just happened to get through because it was the only option. Which is TRUE. I mean, no one gets to choose their labor, right?
I'd always thought that if I could maybe give birth without drugs if my labor was fast. (I never thought THIS fast, but, you know, fast-ISH.) And it turns out that was the case, but I feel like I could have done it BETTER. I could have done better than just SURVIVED. And yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and I know what I would say to a friend if she were saying that to me, and yes I ALSO know that success and achievement and doing things well is sort of my hang up and I need to get over it already. ALL THAT SAID, there's something about Emma's arrival that leaves me solidly unimpressed with myself.
After I had Jack I was the highest of high. I figured out why people shoot for natural childbirth. THE HIGHS, man! Holy cow. That was awesome. And it lasted for days. DAYS! I always wondered what a TRUE natural childbirth high would feel like, since mine was really only a half-high (I'd had the drugs, I just didn't have them the entire time.) I mean, I didn't wonder enough to actually want to try it, but I imagined it must be pretty great.
So Emma's out, the nurses are fussing over my breathing yet super bruised and super purple baby, and everyone's waiting for the doctor to show up. I'm just laying there wondering what in the world just happened to me. The contractions have completely disappeared, as they do (this is still an amazing fact to me. The pain! Gone! Like that!) but I'm still hurting. I feel destroyed. And then the nurse keeps pressing on my abdomen to try to deliver the placenta and it feels AWFUL and then the doctor eventually shows up and does her thing and THAT feels awful. Pretty much everything feels awful, which makes me angry because after all that I feel like I deserve to not feel awful ever again. I'm just laying there, utterly exhausted, only half aware that my new baby is potentially not doing well, not focusing or listening and I am waiting for my high. Where is it?
I'M STILL WAITING. Ho hum. And then I remember the screaming and the crying and the refusal to get on the bed and my inability to recognize how fast things were going... Oh wow, this is SO ME to berate myself for not doing NATURAL CHILDBIRTH CORRECTLY. Seriously. I DO hear myself. I DO read what I'm writing. AND YET! I continue to feel this way!
So I've also thought about what it might have been like if I HAD tried to prepare for natural childbirth. Honestly, I'm not so sure how that would have gone... and it's actually part of why I never seriously gave it consideration. All the coping techniques I know about involve relaxation or meditation or focusing on breathing - ALL things I totally failed at during my Figure Out How To Manage Anxiety days. I was never good at listening to tapes or visualizing or breathing or any of that stuff. And now that I've DONE it, I'm not sure any of that would have helped me anyway. WAS PAINFUL.
I don't know. I do realize how pointless this is. I DO.
A few days later I'm feeling a little less physically and psychologically wrecked, which is nice. I'm not as warped about everything as I was the first day or two. I've stopped running the entire timeline through my brain. I've asked Phillip what he remembers and what his experience was, and that made me feel better. In the hospital my nurse kept saying how great I did, how awesome I was, what a great story this would be, what a rock star my husband was, how honored she felt to be there, blah blah blah. At the time I totally blew her off, but now... maybe she wasn't just being nice?
Anyway. Emma slept awesome last night and then kept sleeping all day and is still sleeping now and either she's just going to keep it up because she's the best baby EVER, or she (and I) will be up all night. I should probably sign out and then not check the comments because I'm pretty sure this is the dumbest thing I've ever written.