I felt nauseous for a few weeks, miserably anxious for a few weeks more, and I've been Beyond Tired pretty much the entire time, but I think the most frustrating aspect of Third Baby thus far (well, since I got the anxiety under control) is a severe inability to PLOT.
I feel like Plotting is one of my best and most useful skills. Especially as I'm married to someone who is easily overwhelmed by calendars and schedules. I LOVE schedules! Give me a few minutes to think by myself and I can figure out most any conflicting schedule. I can do this for a particularly busy DAY or a jam packed MONTH - I am an all purpose Plotter Extraordinaire.
But something about Third Baby has left me exhausted, intimidated, almost defeated. Phillip will be gone for the better part of the next six weeks, and instead of lining up my dinner dates and grandparent outings and morning visits, I've opted to just Not Think About It. Especially that one week where we have a birthday, a holiday, and two rather important churchy functions. I've been sitting here making a big list of where I want all our furniture to go in the new house (the OCD needs SOME sort of outlet) but I can't let myself think too hard about how we're actually going to MOVE the furniture to the new house.
And things that I'm usually pretty control freakish about - summer vacation plans with family, our annual weekend wth friends, the BLATHERING - I just can't go there. I mean, I want to know about it and I want to hear about it and OBVS I want my opinion in the ring, but when it comes to actually figuring out when and where and what, I shut down. Usually I'm the friend who's on everyone's case about scheduling our friends weekend, but I don't want to think that far ahead, and today when I got someone else's email about when and where and how I immediately closed it and went off to read celebrity gossip. In other words: SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME.
I'm tempted to think that we just have so much going on. All the house stuff, plus the overload of school and work, pregnant on the side, blah blah blah. But then I think about last year when I had a MUCH worse attitude about school/work and we were SELLING the house, which, honestly, was much more stressful. I was still on top of stuff. I still managed to get things done and keep it organized. So I have to think it's Third Baby turning my brain to fuzz, my anal retentive nature to something more shrug-like.
Honestly I think it's a good thing. All my Plotting often makes things easier or smoother, but a lot of times it's totally unnecessary. It's nice to be happy to benefit from other people's hard work instead of wanting to be the one who plans the whole thing. I don't remember slowing down so much with Jack or Molly (honestly, I can't remember entire chunks of my Molly pregnancy) but it seems pretty obvious this time. Although it's not so much a physical slowing down as it is a mental one. More like "Oh good, someone else can fret over assigning meals that weekend" or "Possibly the world will not end if you cannot disinfect and sweep the entire kitchen before an agent shows your rental house in one hour."
Phillip will be traveling a lot starting next week. I intend to putz around the house, packing up the inessentials, serving cereal for dinner, and spending whatever's left in our bank account shopping online for new furniture (do you want to see THAT post?!) I can't drink wine, I might as well self-medicate with overpriced Crate and Barrel couches, right?