Just keeping it real
Seven thoughts at the end of a very long week

My First Episode of COPS

You know what is IRONIC? Experiencing your first Police Car Flashing Lights Pull Over Situation as you are driving home from your Can You Please Give Me Crazy Pills Doctor Appointment. You'd think the police could have given me the two to six weeks (depending on who you ask!) for the crazy pills to kick in before they pulled that stunt, am I right? 

I am undecided on how much I want to say on the meds front. I thought it depended on whether or not I would go around telling real life people, but as I've pretty much told everyone I see on a regular-ish basis (sorry Real Life People, I cannot help myself with the oversharing), that doesn't seem to be the issue. So maybe it is how much you are interested in this not terribly mommybloggish aspect of life, or maybe I just have to figure out a way to talk about it that isn't constantly justifying the decision. There are parts of it I want to write up for the Catholic blog, at least. And all that said, I am still undecided on when I am even going to take them. For all intents and purposes I should start tomorrow morning. But I don't know. I'm feeling pretty good right now and that is without having had my nightly glass of anxiety wine and so I JUST DON'T KNOW. 

So let's chat about the police, shall we? I got my license the summer after my freshman year of college and I have been terrified of being pulled over ever since. I drove like the Oldest Lady On Earth and now I drive like Not Quite The Oldest But Still Fairly Old Lady On Earth. I am constantly surveying the cars in the rearview mirror for cops. I hardly ever speed. I take great care with my signals and lane changes and stops. Possibly this is because I have no idea what the "registration" part of the "license and registration" spiel means. Possibly because I am a Highly Anxious Person and I was pretty sure that if I ever got pulled over I would have fourteen panic attacks and die. Nearly all of my anxiety triggers have to do with me doing something WRONG and what is better evidence of having done something wrong than FLASHING LIGHTS and SIRENS?!

I was sitting at a red light and a police car pulled up behind me. "Gee," I thought to my stupid self, "I sure hope my tabs are up to date! Ha ha!" And then I 1) signalled correctly 2) did not speed 3) changed lanes correctly and when 4) the police car suddenly turned on his lights (but no siren) I thought: DAMN YOU, TABS. 

Since there was no shoulder on this particular stretch of road it was a ways before I could pull over. Which was embarrassing. I mean, when I see a cop car about to pull someone over I always try to get a glimpse of the perp. That wrongdoer! Bad! So anyway, I pulled over and oh so calmly pulled out my license and, this is the best part, my INSURANCE CARD because SURELY that is what "registration" means, right? 

I thought I would cry or hyperventilate or, at the very least, feel really really REALLY super bad and guilty for having done something WRONG. But no, I just sat there blowing my bangs out of my face and thinking, "Well @#@*%@." 

Then the cop came up and I rolled down my window and it was SO television-esque I started internally blogging that minute. And the cop was cute! What a bummer! I gave him my license and insurance card and he said, "Uh, do you have your registration" and THAT, my friends, is when I hauled out the nervous-sounding "uhhhh I've never been pulled over before!" as I flipped open the glove compartment and (THANK GOD) extracted the one single piece of paper available to me: the registration document. (THANK GOD.) I mean, it wasn't like I was even TRYING to get out of something. It just CAME OUT. What a moron. 

Then I sat there for freaking EVER while the cop... I don't know. Ran me through the Computer of Felons? Wrote down all the personal details on my license? (THAT IS NOT MY CORRECT WEIGHT, BY THE WAY.) Laughed about me to the dude in the front seat of his car wearing normal person clothes? (WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?) I don't know. I sat there texting Phillip because hey, where are our tabs? Oh, and then I started to feel SLIGHTLY guilty because I told the officer that we had "just moved" and when I really thought about it, we moved in APRIL which was kind of a while ago, at least long enough for us to have tabs that are not three months expired. So maybe I got a LITTLE anxious about whether the cop thought I was trying to Pull One Over. Except, I'll just let all the cops out there know: I am not skilled enough to pull one over on anyone. Ever. I am the worst liar on EARTH. 

Anyway. I know this is not that interesting to you, but I was just sitting there feeling like DUDE! Look at me being all Cool In A Crisis! Which reminded me of that time when I was incredibly anxious, like way back in the beginning when I could have used a handful of Valium nearly every day, and Phillip was so distracted and upset about everything he clipped the car in front of us trying to get into the other lane. And you know what happened? My anxiety DISAPPEARED and I was all "CALM DOWN. THIS IS WHAT WE DO. IT'S OKAY. THINGS ARE FINE." Like, SUPER COOL. I don't know. I am all kinds of out of whack. 

Finally the cop came back and was reeeeeeeeally nice (perhaps because I did not show up in the Computer of Felons?) and told me that I needed to fix this little issue lest I get myself a ticket NEXT TIME. And then I drove home. The end. 

Oh wait. Then I had another Super Average Day that was just the tiniest bit more shouty and annoying than yesterday, complete with Totally Disgusting Tub Floater and Crabby, Incoherent, Unnapped Two-Year-Old, but for some reason I did not feel the need to weep when I put both kids to bed and am currently feeling downright CHEERFUL. I don't know. "Obviously," you are saying to yourselves, "she should take the meds ASAP." SIGH.

Comments

lindsay

Maybe your mood is relief that now you have another legitimate means of coping? Good luck to you. :)

I burst into tears last time I got pulled over. It was as awesome as one imagines. I got meds the next month as I realized this was no way to live.

Marie Green

1. I actually DO think taking medication is a mommyblogger issue. I was recently in the room with about 12 friends and someone asked who in the room HAD NOT taken some kind of anxiety/depression medication and only ONE had not. (The same one that asked the questions, incidentally.)

2. I get pulled over ALL THE TIME. And I NEVER get a ticket, like, ever. I'm not a bad driver, but I get pulled over for having a headlight out, or tabs, or WHATEVER. (Also, we aren't bad car-owners. I just have bad luck, I think. Or good luck? Seeing as how I don't get a ticket? hmmm). Anyway, nice to have that 1st out of your way. ;)

Kelly L

Here are my thoughts on the meds: they only work if you take them. I like to consider myself a veteran of the pill brigade, as I've done my time (and still am) and have tried a few different things. If you take them, regularly, as directed - they are helpful. If you skip them because you are "feeling better" - they don't work. One of my roommates did this once and then immediately fell back into her depression because she was all "I'm feeling better! I'm going to stop them COLD TURKEY without consulting my doctor!" and I almost smacked her upside the head.

There is nothing wrong with taking medications - that is what they are FOR. I think on some level there is still some stigma attached to it... I mean, I don't run around going I'M MEDICATED LALALA (unless I'm on the Internet, of course), but I know how I am without them and I know how not taking them makes me feel, and I'd rather take them. It's easy, and it's helpful.

It sounds like you've been having quite the streak of anxiety, and really? What do you have to lose by taking them? If you find that they make you feel worse, or medicated, or any of the things you are afraid of... you don't have to take them. BUT - there is the chance that they could help you out a lot, and you won't know unless you try.

Also: getting pulled over sucks. I've never been able to get out of a ticket. I'm cursed. I wish I could cry on the spot or something. Or at least had the fortune of getting pulled over when I was wearing something low-cut, as opposed to the t-shirts and hoodies I usually find myself in. Sigh.

Carrie

I'm so proud of you for going to the doctor and getting a prescription. I've been saying "I know, I know" to all the people who have been telling me that I should go. And I haven't. Huge hugs to you and huge thanks for going and for being honest about it. You'll make the right choice, I know. And please know I'm around if you need to talk.

cen

I agree that the anxiety and med issue is definitely a mommyblogger topic. I have been on something for about a year. Very mild but I am able to handle things so much better. Also, not waking up in the middle of the night feeling anxious is a huge plus.. My suggestion is to take it at night because most of this type of medication makes you a little nauseous at first.

I once got pulled over in a snowstorm for not having my registration stickers up to date. Procrastinator that I am, they were actually in my glovebox. I showed them to the policeman and he made me get out, in a skirt and heels, to put them on in the snow! No ticket, but he was not amused.

Christiana

I agree that the meds issue is a mommyblogger one, but if you DON'T want to talk about it here, then don't.

What the heck are tabs? Is that what your problem was? And the registration in the paper that corresponds w/ your license plate. It's been a really long time since I was pulled over (thank goodness!) but it i always nerve wracking and I can never respond like I would to try and talk or "upset" my way out of it. The night we got engaged, we drove through one of those check points and my plate was expired and my fiance got a ticket (he was driving) and I couldn't even talk my way out of that one!

craftyashley

I also agree the meds are a mommyblogger issue. One that I think a lot of moms are embarrassed about. I haven't written about it- I feel weird about talking about my pilled-up self. But perhaps you should know- I live with three kids three and under. It requires Adderall and Xanax.

Julie

Well, if you lived in Texas, you would be totally RIGHT in pulling out your license and insurance card - that's what they ask for here. And I don't know what tabs are either!

HereWeGoAJen

And the first (and ONLY) time I got pulled over, I got like a $400 ticket. And the policeman wasn't nice at all. But it did take ten thousand years while he was all running my license or whatever they do at their car. Also, like one in the morning, I was pregnant, and had to pee, since I was on my way home from picking people up at the airport which was an hour and a half away. (Fine, I was speeding, but I missed the slow down sign and I didn't KNOW I was speeding. I don't speed on purpose.)

E.

So I first must confess that I am HORRIBLY behind in reading blogs and, therefore, I have no idea how much you've blogged about the meds thing and what comments have been left RE the meds thing, but I just have to say this: DON'T TAKE THE MEDS UNTIL YOU'VE HAD YOUR HORMONE LEVELS CHECKED. Your problem could be hormonal (having babies SCREWS THEM UP) and that can be fixed with bioidentical hormones which are not made of horse pee and do not increase your risk of cancer. Please feel free to email me if you want more info. on this topic, as I don't want to get toooo personal in your comments section (because I could get all personal and tell you about the Dr. who told me "You just need to go on more dates with your husband," vs. the Dr. who gave me bioidentical testosterone, and which one I think has her head screwed on straight).

Lindsay

I would freak out if I got pulled over. Granted, I haven't had my license that long, and I don't have a car, so I don't drive often... hmmm.

And, hey, there's nothing wrong with needing to take medication. Plus, going on it doesn't mean you'll be on it forever. I was really, really depressed once. Badly. Like, they wanted to hospitalize me and take me out of school depressed, but I refused. I was put on medication. A very high dosage. Finally found ONE that worked for me, and I used it for about 3 months, and then I didn't need it anymore, I was fine. But you need to do what you need to do, and I think it's very courageous and a testament to your strength that you're taking medicine. I have a friend who was on something and then basically gave it up after 2 months because he got embarrassed and thought he was fine (he's not--he was doing so well on the medication, and now he's worse than before). But you? You're a woman, hear you roar. :o)

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