I will probably disagree with this entire post tomorrow, but for now I'm reveling in the self-confidence, okay? GIVE ME A NIGHT OF SELF-CONFIDENCE!
Last fall, pretty much on a whim, a friend asked if I wanted to be on a volleyball team and as you remember I was all HECK YEAH! and I've been pretty much been playing ever since. We joined another league in the winter and when that was over we started going to this open gym night where everyone from teeny little girls to burly fifty-year-old men divide into groups of six and lay the smackdown on each other. It's kind of awesome.
So I went tonight and it was super fun, as usual, and I didn't even get nailed in the face - bonus! And I kept wishing I had some single girlfriends to invite to volleyball because there were not one but TWO adorable boys on my team - adorable AND NICE - and oh, what a pity I have no use for them.
Anyway, the friend I usually go with had to leave early and then it was just me with one guy from my Sunday night volleyball team and four other people I barely knew. I was thinking about how if this was ten years ago, maybe even five years ago, I would have been super insecure the whole time, super nervous about what everyone was thinking of me, what if I sucked, what if I wasn't friendly enough (which is always my problem because I can't ever think of anything to SAY) and blah blah blah. But not now. Even though my friend is heaps more social and friendly than me, which is why I know these people in the first place, I wasn't scared for her to go. Well, I WAS scared at first, when I got to the gym before she and my other teammate showed up, panic panic panic, and maybe it was only okay that she left because I still knew someone? I don't know. But by that time you've filtered yourself onto a team and you at least know everyone's name and I didn't suck THAT much...
I just LIKE being older. I am not half as shy and nervous as I used to be. I just don't CARE as much. I am a total dork on the volleyball court you guys, running around flapping my hands, yelling, ducking, completely spacing out at inopportune moments, but I feel like I can just be ME and they'll either get me or they don't. It's so much EASIER to deal with other people when you have this perspective. All these years spent worrying about my inability to make small talk, and for what? Earlier this week when a sort of random someone asked me how my weekend was I ended up telling them all this intense stuff about my couples retreat and you know what? She wasn't weirded out! It was fine! I might be better friends with her now than I was before! I know I shouldn't do that ALL the time, but that's me, completely horrible at normal people conversation, and it was still okay. And in a month I am headed to Chicago, where I have never really been, to meet up with almost twenty ladies I have either met exactly once, or never met before in my life. And! I am not nervous! THIS IS IMPROVEMENT!
Well, not VERY nervous. You're bound to have SOME anxiety when you're planning to meet up with your Internet Heroes and also everyone keeps emailing you about what they're going to WEAR. GAK.
So anyway. See how I can turn anything into a nice little revelation about my own fascinating self?
Phillip starts school tomorrow. I decided I am not up for it and am hauling myself and the children down to my parents' house where we will stay the night - THAT is how much I am not up for it. But they want us! So why not! Plus my little weather app says it's going to be seventy freaking six tomorrow. Oh Seattle. You tease us so.
But I think I packed up all the summery clothes. Oops.
What are you doing this weekend? After we drive home we're headed to a four-year-old's birthday party and we are NOT open housing on Sunday. We are showing restraint! Yay us! Oh, and then I have a game that night. I sure hope my court burn and strained forearm muscle get themselves into shape by then. My thirties are doing wonders for my self-esteem, but not so much on the agility front. Sigh.