We're not the kids anymore

The first year Phillip and I were married was the first year I didn't spend Christmas at home. He couldn't get enough time off to make a trip to Italy worth it, so we hit up my grandma's Christmas Eve get together, and spent Christmas Day with his parents. It was a bummer, but I got over it. Sort of. 

I was ten years old when we moved overseas and it BLEW MY MIND that we were going to have actual holidays without my grandparents. I mean, was that ALLOWED? My mom's side of the family is large and loud and very much into turning holidays into parties and it was inconceivable to me that we could still have Christmas without them. And when my parents invited FRIENDS for Christmas, people who were NOT RELATED TO US, who probably had no IDEA about Very Important Traditions, like fried bread dough and the carefully organized present opening ritual and the fact that Santa is actually my Uncle Joe, I mean: EXCUSE ME? 

And now, even though I stopped "going home" for Christmas years ago, even though my parents don't even LIVE in Italy anymore, it's still kinda strange to me that we celebrate Christmas and other big family holidays with... family. We have a lot of friends without families nearby and I am always a little worried about them this time of year. What are they going to do? Do they have plans? Shouldn't we have a big party and invite everyone? Wouldn't Thanksgiving be awesome with all our friends around the table? Wouldn't Christmas Eve be a blast? 

Then I remind myself that I have family - LOTS of family - around and it would look sort of weird if I was all, "Actually, sorry, I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year and it's friends only. See ya!" 

Not that I really want to do this. I'm thankful my family IS nearby. We're in kind of a weird spot right now where my siblings and I are old enough to do our own thing, but the party is still at Grandma's house. It's fun, but also frustrating, to look around and think about what Phillip and I want to do with our own little family. Is this the year we do our own celebration? Is this the year we decide not to do every single family party? Is this the year we finally go to Christmas Eve Mass at our own church instead of at our parents'? 

Because of my sister's wedding, because of who will be in town and when they'll be leaving, my mom and dad are having Christmas several days before Actual Christmas. And in my family Actual Christmas is Christmas Eve - massive amounts of food and drink and presents and, this year, small children wreaking massive amounts of havoc. And because we'll be having our family Christmas a few days before Actual Christmas, it means we won't go directly to Grandma's house afterwards to continue the party with all my aunts and uncles. They'll be eating fried bread dough, as usual, on Christmas Eve, but this is the year we decided we won't be there. 

It's convenient, isn't it? The wedding, the fact that our kids are tiny, the fact that Grandma is an hour away - it all adds up to "Oh, it just doesn't make sense this year." We thought about skipping it last year, when it was scary snowy and we had, like, fourteen Christmas obligations in a row, but we didn't. We felt guilty, but we also wanted to be there. We have a fun time! The fried bread dough is THAT good. This year? I don't feel guilty. I'm a big girl now, I'm a mom. I've got two kids who, so far, are head over heels in love with Christmas (or, at least, their Advent calendars filled with chocolate) and we want to do it our way. 

So we'll do a Pre-Christmas Christmas with my brothers and sisters and all the friends who used to go to our Christmases in Italy, because they'll be here for the wedding. I'm really looking forward to it- I don't want to give THAT up. But then we're staying home. We'll go to Mass at our own church for the very first time since we've been going there (10 years!). We'll have our own Christmas Eve and maybe my sisters will be there, and really, whoever wants to hang out and eat too much at our house Christmas Eve is totally welcome. Because that's what we want our house to be: always available and full of good things to eat. 

People are always talking about creating traditions and while I love the idea, it's really hard in practice, especially when you are still so involved in your extended family. Not that that's a bad thing, but I do want Jack and Molly's Christmases to be theirs. If that makes sense. Right now I feel like we are a part of everyone else's Christmases - driving everywhere, not doing any of our normal things because we spend two or three days away from our own house. As much as I love everyone else's Christmases, and I really really do, this year I'm ready to let other people be a part of ours.

Comments

[Salome Ellen]

Feeling this! Our Christmas has been "a rotation" for a long time, but this was the first year the girls did Thanksgiving, and I loved and struggled with it at the same time. Happy New Traditions to you!

[Margaret]

Totally understand where you're coming from! My husband and I both have large families and we feel pulled in so.many.different. directions at the holidays that they're not nearly as much fun as they used to be before the running around to multiple family obligations in several days. And even though we don't have kids yet, I can sympathize with feeling like we don't get "our" Christmas; our need for time together and the things we'd like to do as a little family seem to come absolutely last in the holiday hierarchy of plans.

[Jen @ The Short Years]

We too live close to both our extended families, and we're both still going to Grandma's house for holidays. Christmas becomes a kind of crazy whirlwhind of family things. And it is all fun, but every year we say that we need to say no to a few things next year. We just haven't mustered the guts to do it yet.

[Jess]

This makes so much sense. Christmas really is about the kids more than anything else, and I'm glad you're doing what you can to give your kids a holiday that they can own. Have fun!

[Elsha]

When we found out I was pregnant and due Christmas eve it was both a relief and a let down to think, well, that means we're not going anywhere this year. Of course, unexpected layoffs and subsequently moving in with my parents while we sell our house changed that! We still won't be going anywhere, but all 4 of my siblings (plus 3 spouses and 4 nieces and nephews [all under age 2]) are coming HERE so now I get to participate in the madness anyway. The question is will I be participating: a) with a new baby (PLEASE!!) b) while I'm in labor (ACK!) or c) hugely pregnant the whole time (I hope not.)

Should be an interesting Christmas this year.

[-R-]

Growing up, we always did Christmas with just the immediate family, and then did an extended family celebration the next weekend. I want to do Christmas that way too now that we have a son. Unfortunately, my husband is not on the same page with me, so it's an issue. I'm willing to not have our own Christmas this year, but I think next year this will be a bigger issue.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

Our Christmas celebrations always involve juggling, especially since it is also my Nonna's birthday (she'll be 80 this year). And I hate admitting this (especially since Dave reads your site) but I often feel like my side of the family gets the shaft a bit as we race off to see my inlaws (who will NEVER come to us for Christmas.)

At some point, we'll have to draw the line and focus on Christmas with just our family. This isn't the year for that, though, so we'll be driving for 5 hours and making 3 stops on the 25th.

Oh well. I will get to see 'Jersey Boys' when we're in the Toronto area for a couple of days after Christmas.

[Christiana]

When Fuss was born (and my niece - DH's oldest sister who had her baby 2 weeks after Fuss was born) both new families declared that our respective Christmas mornings would be spent at our respective homes. This is only inconvenient in that she lives in NC and I live in FL, so there is no way we're seeing each other for Christmas (though it would be fun to have the girls together in their PJs opening up gifts and making merry...) and since our house is the only one functional and big enough for everyone to come, we also host Christmas dinner on Christmas day. Since we moved into the house, we've just invited everyone (both sides of the family, respective close family friends who are more like family) and our record is 21 adults (at the time, there were no kids under 18) squeezed into my great room for a formal sit-down dinner, complete w/ china and candlesticks. Now that we have kids and I just don't have the oomph to deal w/ all that, we have Christmas dinner spread out along the house and use paper plates. It works. But at least I don't have to travel on the 25th. And that makes me so relieved.

[Heather]

Good for you!!

[lindsay]

We have four functions we'll be attending over the span of three days. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it's nice to have family to visit but on the other hand I feel a bit like a kid who has no control over how her Christmas weekend will be spent. Yay you guys for breaking free.

Also your sisters wedding is sounding awesome and it's cool how Christmas will possibly always make them reminisce about their wedding now.

[Emily]

Christmas and all the annoyances surrounding it make me want an anonymous site so that I can whine and moan without offending anyone I actually know.

My parents are 10 minutes away, Dave's live TWO STREETS DOWN. Two. Streets. Down. And no one has ever said to us, when are you going to start your own Christmas traditions? And OH HOW I WISH THEY WOULD, because we feel like we have to cram three different celebrations into two days. We do present-opening and church with my family on Christmas Eve, presents with our own little family on Christmas morning, and then Christmas dinner and presents at Dave's parents' house on Christmas night. I mean, we don't have to travel, which is nice, but we still have to run around like crazy, and Dave and I finally admitted to each other that we are secretly keeping track of exactly how much time we're spending at each other's parents' houses, and getting secretly angry when one person doesn't get as much time as another. It is so hard.

And don't get me started on how much crap my mother bought for my kids. I do not have a house big enough for that much crap, but she refuses to listen to me and just buys them everything they could possibly imagine. Am I right that the PARENTS should get to give the best/most gifts? I feel like we get outdone by my mom, that in the future, our kids will look forward to the gifts from their grandparents more than the ones from us, and maybe that's selfish and stupid but I'M THEIR MOTHER and I want to be the one who gives them the Awesome Gift at Christmas.

See? Anonymous blog. I totally need one.

[Shelby]

I worry about this even though we don't have kids yet. We live a plane ride away from both sets of parents (and they're a plane ride away from each other), so we've been doing Christmas one year with one set, then the next year with the other set. It's tough. Obviously, we knew what we were getting into when we each moved away, but it's still hard. I can't really imagine what's going to happen if we're still living here when we DO have kids. I think we'll be traveling a lot less.

[Raven]

I will never get to have my own Christmas as long as I live in the same vicinity as my in-laws. It is expected that we will stretch to be there, even when it's a year that my son is with his father, our phone is ringing off the hook by 9 am with them wondering why we aren't there yet (they live 45 min away).

It's entirely frustrating but after almost 5 years of marriage, it shows no signs of stopping or anyone accepting that we have our own life, including my husband and as long as he doesn't, they won't.

Such a nerve with this one! I am really glad you are getting the best of both worlds.

[Manda]

Dude If I tried that crap on either Grandma I WOULD BE SKEWERED. I applaud your bravery. And strength! And fortitude! And grown-upness!

[Lizzie]

It's kind of funny that we've been forced into making our own traditions and you are sort of corralled into keeping the same family traditions. In some ways holidays are better with friends because there are no expectations there. In some ways they're better with family, because dude. It's family. And if we lived any closer to the fam, you KNOW there would be drama if we chose not to do (insert holiday activity here)...

[Parenting Magazine]

Yeah... WE are kids... Before. Now, most of us have our own kids already; or maybe, planning to have their own kids.