Gifts

Ever since I went to that workshop a weekend or two ago I've been thinking more and more about where I put my energy. Especially these last few days when I've spent so many hours writing. It's only been four days, but I'm already wondering if this is a way to create a habit, if, when Phillip goes downstairs for his nightly hour or so of homework, that will be my time to write. I'm excited thinking about it, because that's definitely an area where I know I went to expend energy, and where I know I'm not doing enough.

But there are other places that don't feel that way. Or only sometimes feel that way. I think back to that workshop and try to figure out if those are places where I feel 'gifted'. And it's not that I don't want to do anything I'm not gifted in, obviously, but sometimes I fall into the trap of feeling like I HAVE to do something because it's a GOOD THING TO DO even when I DON'T WANNA. The example the priest at the workshop used was volunteering at a soup kitchen, which he dreaded and hated. Was it a bad thing to do? No. Was it something he should never do? No, of course not. But did he need to feel guilty about not wanting to work in a soup kitchen when he was obviously gifted in other areas and found joy volunteering and serving in other ways? NO.

So I have a few soup kitchens in my life. None of them are as... worthy as a soup kitchen, I should say. But I have a few Good and Fun For Other People things going on that I don't always feel Good or Fun about. But sometimes I do? So it's confusing? I guess my three years on the church committee is a good example of this. Was it a good thing to do? Sure. Was it the best place for me? Was it the best use of my time? Doubtful.

Anyway, I've been thinking about these things and today I was feeling sort of down about one of them. I was comparing myself to everyone else and thinking: gee Self, you sort of suck at this. Maybe you should step down. Maybe that would be a GOOD THING. Maybe it's OKAY to suck! OWN THE SUCKITUDE!

Right? Totally okay things to say to yourself. But I swear, not a minute after I decided I would put in my resignation, I got an email FULL of affirmation. FULL of encouragement. FULL of gratitude that I was involved. So I ask you, good friends in the Internet, what the heck am I supposed to do with THAT?!

Well, of COURSE I did a complete 180 and am now totally and complete re-energized in this particular department. Nothing like a little flattery, eh?

AND THEN (and this is the OTHER thing I've been thinking about re: gifts) I was all, "OBVIOUSLY The Person Who  Sent Me The Email has the gift of Encouragement!" I've been sort of annoying with the Gift Labeling lately. As I sat through the workshop I wasn't only tallying up my gifts* but all of my friends'. I'm such a dork. 

Like, I was thinking about this one friend of mine who always knows what to DO. I mean, physical tangible things to DO. (This would be, for the uninitiated, the gift of service.) When both of my babies were teeny tiny she would come over and suddenly all my dishes were washed. I wouldn't even notice her doing it. Or when we get our kids together to play, she always picks up the toys and cleans up the lunch dishes. I don't do this at her house. I HATE admitting that, but I don't. And it's not because I don't WANT to, I just don't even THINK about it. I suppose that could mean that I don't want to, because if I wanted to I'd be thinking about it, but I liked the way the priest put it. He doesn't have the gift of hospitality. He doesn't walk into coffee hour and notice who is sitting by themselves. It's not even on his radar. And that's how I am with other people's dishes. NOT ON MY RADAR.

But it's totally on my friend's radar. And I have another friend who, I've noticed, always says the right thing in a crucial moment. WITHOUT FAIL. I don't know what gift that is - wisdom? knowledge? - but SERIOUSLY. I know this because I'm the one sitting there all "Uhhhhmmmm" and she's asking, like, INSIGHTFUL QUESTIONS and singling out the IMPORTANT ELEMENTS. Whatever gift that is, I DO NOT HAVE IT.

I know this isn't any great revelation or news to anyone, but the idea that I don't have to be good at everything, that I don't have to LIKE everything - that knowledge has been freeing in a new way lately. In the last couple weeks I've been giving myself more grace than usual. Which is, I'll just say it: MIRACULOUS. Instead of being jealous and/or coming down with a total inferiority complex next to the friend who always knows what to say, I've been able to remind myself that THAT IS HER GIFT. And IT IS NOT MINE. I'm the friend who, when another friend was informed of an unthinkable family tragedy, sat her butt down in front of the computer and found the fastest cheapest plane ticket out of Seattle. That's the kind of thing I can do.

I do it with you guys too. Some of you leave the most encouraging comments or send the most affirming emails. I suspect things about you based on your own blogs. And I've met some of you in person, and I know you have the gifts of craftsmanship and hospitality and faith and teaching and pastoring. It's so much FUN, this gift deciphering. 

Aaaand, I think that's enough procrastinating for one evening. I'll be lucky if I make my daily quota today. LE SIGH.

*when I use the word "gifts" I'm using it in the context of "spiritual gifts" or, in the Catholic tradition, "charisms". I'm not referring to the "fruits of the Holy Spirit" found in Galatians, but an unspecified number of spiritual gifts (again, according to the Catholic tradition) that show up primarily in Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4. (And yes, I totally just looked in the book for that information. SUE ME.)

Comments

[Carrie]

Good post- I've been struggling with this myself, especially the not comparing to other people thing. I often wish I had the gift of the first friend you discussed here, but I seem to have the gift of obliviousness rather than helpfulness :)

And I don't particularly want to teach other people's kids, even though I like them, and that's the gift that 99% of the jobs at my church requires. They keep making me do it anyway, but I know it's not a good match. I need to start being as deliberate about it as you are being- I hate to waste the abilities God has blessed me with, but I've kind of lost track. And I think their manifestations change with different places in life, so they might not look the same as they did before.

Have I mentioned that adulthood=complicated?

[Lindsay]

Wow excellent post. I always want to do dishes and clean at people's houses but I get paralyzed, thinking I will do something dumb like wash something totally unacceptably. Then I feel really, really rude.

[Morgan S.]

Hmmm, maybe another one of your gifts is recognizing OTHERS' gifts? :) I wonder what my gifts are? I have NO CLUE.

[Ashley]

This post made me think of Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. Sounds like yours might be Words of Affirmation!

[Maggie]

MOST DEFINITELY! (How'd you guess!?)

[Dr. Maureen]

This is a great post, and now I want you to tell me what you think MY gift(s) is/are. I know that my love language is gift-giving, which is the most annoying one to be. Because while it means I am really good at thinking of the perfect gift to get someone, I am IMPOSSIBLE to get gifts for because they have to be creative and incredibly thoughtful and I have to want it or it's wrong. Also, if I have to TELL you what to get me, it's ruined.

[Christiana]

I love this post. I think it's really good to remind yourself that you don't have to be good at everything, or even at the things your friends are good at. I think this is a really great look at both sides of the spiritual gifts coin - both figuring out what yours ARE and also what they aren't. So often I am comparing myself to other people (as most women do) and I'm all "why can't I be like that?" but that's just not ME.

Anyway, thanks for the insightful post, Maggie. And I'd love to hear your opinion on me, too, if you have one!

[Jess]

OK now this makes me think of the flip side of the coin. Or at least I think it's the flip side. When you have a gift but you don't WANT to use it. But people want to use it because you are wasting your potential! Or you are just so good at that how can you not keep doing it! And so on. But you know what? I'm good at math and organization but that doesn't mean I want to work in finance. And so on. Sometimes it's OK to let a gift go if it's not a gift that you enjoy using.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

Dude, I do that too, the "what gifts to my friends have?" analysis. It's mostly tied to "True C*olors" or MBTI, but I am a nerd for it.

Hearing you talk about the gifts has made me itchy to learn more about them. There's a gift of "Encouragement"? How awesome. So sad that the organization doesn't appear to do sessions in the frozen north.

I, too, love 'words of affirmation'. And 'gifts of service'. Needy, much!?!? :)

[Charlotte]

Great post but, oh, I tend to have major gift lust. Maybe we aren't given gifts that we'd like the best but the gifts that are most needed by others in our lives? I totally wish I were the awesome doer or getter but alas I have the great gifts of hand wringing and procrastination. Serving as a bad example so counts as a gift.

[Kate P]

What a coincidence--just read another post by a blogger who mentioned her niece's gift (knowing exactly what people need to hear, and when to say it to them).

It is GOOD that you are conscious of gifts. . . maybe right now, we all need to take a moment to appreciate how many there are.

(Aside to Charlotte: Hand-wringing is the gift of Troubleshooting.)