Thoughts before I head up to bed

Phillip walked in the door at ten. At ten oh five he went downstairs to write a "reflection paper". Sigh. 

I have a post I actually put thought into at Parenting. Here... not so much. 

I ran out of gas sometime yesterday afternoon. I was so tired, so listless. My naptime routine used to be exercise, lunch and computer, last night's TV. But ever since the Office Makeover I've been putting the kids in the same room for naps, which means they don't fall asleep for nearly another hour, which means I put off the exercise for nearly another hour, which means I don't eat because if I eat before I exercise I don't exercise, and... yeah. Everything feels a little bit off. And lately I can't sit and do any one thing for too long. I can't even watch an entire TV show- I'm itching to check my email or see what the weather is going to be like in the morning or start dinner or find that magazine I haven't read yet or pick up that train wedged between the couch and the bookshelf because it's bugging me and I have to get it RIGHT THIS SECOND. Is it possible to have Stay At Home Mom ADD? 

I tried my best to tire my kids out yesterday, but they only slept about an hour. Sometimes I am okay with hour-long naps, but it depends entirely on when the nap takes place. A nap that starts at two and ends at three is much more tolerable than the naps I got yesterday, which started between 12:30 and 1 and ended between 1:30 and 2. That is an awful long time to wait for Daddy to get home. 

Jack is content to sit in his crib and look at books, but Molly isn't. Molly must be tended to and petted and entertained and sometime around 2:45 I called my mom just to say: I AM OUT OF GAS. 

So my parents, because they are awesome, drove up to Seattle this morning and took us on a walk to the lake. We ran in wet grass and yelled at ducks and picked up sticks and a certain someone ate a cookie the size of his face for lunch. Because that is what we do when Grandma comes to visit. My parents stuck around so I could do my little neighborhood run and oh, that felt good. Well, not really. Running (and I may have given you the wrong impression earlier this week) is not at ALL a good time, but I like how I feel when it's over, so much so that the time SPENT running is oftentimes worth it. I felt energized and a little more settled. Then my parents went home and I wandered around my house trying to find something to do. Finish the office. Work on a post. Work on another post. Attempt to learn how to build a back end database. Scoff at myself for having the gall to even look it up. Watch TV. Read. Nap. Forget napping. Wash dishes. Fold laundry. Forget chores- watch more TV. I swear, I was watching the same TV show for two hours. I kept jumping up in the middle to go do something else. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

My kids, though, slept forever. And were mostly easy at dinnertime and bedtime and now it's 10:30 and I don't feel dead. That's nice. But I'll be doing this again tomorrow night. 

Also, I ate brownies for dinner. 

I don't feel like I know what this life is like yet. It's still just totally weird that Phillip gets up and goes to work as usual on Saturdays. I tell myself that he's going to CLASS and LEARNING THINGS and he'll be home before dinner, but it still totally feels like a Monday or a Tuesday or a Wednesday. I won't always be alone as much as I was this week, but I'm alone a lot more. 

Sometime yesterday Phillip emailed me to find out if I'd be okay with him grabbing drinks with coworkers after work on Monday. My first thought was, "Really? Today? You're asking me this TODAY?" But then I thought about it and realized, oh, Monday will be after Sunday, which will be a recharging day, and Monday is when my in-laws come over and of COURSE it's okay to get drinks with coworkers, of COURSE. 

And then this morning he kissed us goodbye and went downstairs to go to work. But first I heard him clipping his nails in the office. No big deal, right? Just a little personal hygiene thrown in before the day starts. But irritation crept over my skin and it murmured, "Maybe he could be getting the kids breakfast while you are doing whatever it is that you need to do." But I quickly threw that thought into the jumble of Irrational Bathroom Thoughts, which go something like: "How dare you come home from work and USE THE BATHROOM? Don't you see these children? Do you think your WIFE gets to use the bathroom whenever SHE feels like it? DO YOU?"

Ahem.

I was hoping my good attitude and low expectations would get me a little farther. I was hoping I wouldn't have to guilt trip my parents into visiting this soon. I didn't think I would be THIS tired. 

...says the girl who is still pecking away at the computer at 10:38 pm. Which is not late to a college student, but unacceptable for a mother of two small children whose only predictable sleep pattern is waking up entirely too early.

Comments

[Becca]

My husband has regular hours and I STILL resent his nonchalance re: all things bathroom. Like the way he can't possibly shower and dress in less than forty-five minutes, even if it means I get ten minutes to do the same.

And toenail clipping always gets under my skin.

[Jess]

Mmm. I would please like a brownie now. Perhaps this is a sign that I should, I don't know, eat some breakfast.

[Christiana]

I totally get the bathroom thing. But I will say, that when he is here, he will often attempt to entertain the baby until I am done. It doesn't always work (he is the more fascinating parent, but only if I'm not in the bathroom - why is that?)

Hopefully, things will get better - everyone will get used to the schedule, the kids will get better about napping, etc.

[HereWeGoAJen]

I don't think people appreciate how nice it is to go to the bathroom alone.

Does it make you feel better that I consider an hour long nap to be an almost unattainable luxury? I'm satisfied with forty minutes. When she sleeps longer than an hour, I run out of stuff to do because apparently that is the maximum time I can imagine having to myself.

[Mary]

I feel your pain. My husband has been working his way to an MBA taking online course for more than 2 years now. I just hope yours doesn't procrastinate the way mine does. He always puts off doing any schoolwork until the day it's due, and then locks himself in his office for like 24 hours straight to finish it all. It was lonely for me before we had the baby, but now, it's freakin' infuriating. I get so annoyed that he doesn't feel the need to plan his time with the baby in mind. Like, if he doesn't have time to give me a break in the day, no biggie. I know I'm the SAHM, but seriously? Sorry. Had to vent. It's not really that bad. And it doesn't last forever. And they end up with a degree (and usually a pay raise and better job security).

[Manda]

Oh dear girl. I can so relate to the fit of rage when you can't do what you want to do when you want to while Husband runs off down the hallway with his iPod to have a nice, uninterrupted poop. Thank goodness for awesome parents!
You'll get through this. Just think of all the piles of cash you'll be rolling in when he's done! Haaaaaa!