Fail?

My house smells strongly of garlic. Perhaps because an open jar of pre-diced garlic is sitting right next to me on the counter and I can't be bothered to put the lid back on. Perhaps because I am waiting for Phillip to do that precise thing, since he is the one who USED the garlic HOURS ago. Perhaps I will put on my Big Girl Pants and put the lid back on the garlic before my brain leaks all over the keyboard. One moment, please.

Okay. So. You people come here looking for quality content, right? HA. This will be a garlic-scented mishmash of barely coherent ideas. You have been warned. 

Last week was lame. LAAAAME. Phillip worked late Tuesday and Thursday and had class on Friday and Saturday. I think I saw him maybe two or three minutes all week. This hasn't been independently verified, of course, BUT THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE. During the first part of the week it was fine. FINE, I SAY. I think this is due to, once again, my policy of keeping Drastically Low Expectations. I KNEW it was going to be a lame week, therefore it wasn't exactly surprising and/or disturbing when it turned out to be just that. 

But as the week went on I got very tired. The weather was flat out wretched, overdoing the ugly October weather even for Seattle. I didn't always have plans and I'll just say it: it was LONELY. I was anxious and mopey. By Friday night I was a lump on the couch with a broken TiFaux, slowly counting to 10 before I ran upstairs to yell at the kids for the millionth time. (Note to self: cross "Yelling" off the List Of Things That Might Work If I Really Put Some Muscle Into It.) When Phillip came home on Friday I was already asleep, and he left at 7:30 the next morning. 

Saturday I had plans. We were going to drive to my parents' house, Future Pastry Chef in tow, and go to a pumpkin patch. Phillip was going to spend the entire day in class or writing a paper, so I'd be driving home on my own, something I hate to do, but I NEEDED OUT. So we piled in the car Saturday morning, even though 9 in the morning on Saturday looked an awful lot like 9 at night. We passed one accident before we even got on the freeway, and witnessed another when one car stopped to avoid standing water and the car behind it (which happened to be the car in front of me) smashed into the first car. At which point I said to the Future Pastry Chef, "WE ARE TURNING AROUND!" 

But we kept going. Seriously, I needed something to do. And Future Pastry Chef had a hot date with a florist. There is a wedding to plan!

Gosh, I am taking a very long time to tell you that we ended up sleeping over at my mom and dad's house on Saturday. For no good reason, other than the fact that 1) I didn't feel like driving home and 2) when I suggested it to Phillip over the phone I could practically see the sheep jumping over the fence above his head. Sleep? Uninterrupted sleep? SIGN HIM UP. 

Early on my mom had talked about us spending the night every so often on Saturday, but I am one of those really annoying people who doesn't like to be away from her husband. A fancy blogger weekend in Sacramento is one thing, but a 45-minute drive out of town is another. I hadn't brought any overnight things for any of us, we wouldn't be able to drive our neighbor to church, there wasn't a real reason to stay. But we did. Because. 

Part of me wants to say, "Hey, this was an especially rough week. The multiple late nights. The kids who won't go to bed when they're supposed to. The RAIN, which was much more rain than even WE are used to." But another part of me pipes up with, "But it's only the third week. Copping out already? SUCK IT UP, GIRLFRIEND." And guess which part wins? (If you picked the first one you haven't been reading long.) 

When I got home today I was angry. I didn't know WHY, though. It wasn't like Phillip was, you know, catching up on his TV shows while I was dealing with kids and messes and scary driving situations. It's not like he ENJOYS giving up every Saturday to sit in the library and write papers. I know that much. But I was still angry. 

Poor Phillip, you guys. Poor Phillip. What is he supposed to say? Or do? He knows I am annoyed about SOMETHING and he is DESPERATELY trying to figure out before it gets WORSE. I KNOW THIS. But seriously. I didn't know!  Finally I said, "When I asked you on the phone if it'd be okay if we spent the night, you were a LITTLE TOO EXCITED."

While he tried to think of something to say to that (GOOD LUCK, PHILLIP) I sat there wondering if that was really the upsetting thing. Not the mess in the living room that neither of us had the energy to pick up, not the fact that I was on my own for three nights of bedtime torment (and oh man is that another post I am deathly afraid to write - the DISCIPLINE POST - GAH), not the fact that he went out with friends after class on Friday and wants to go out with friends again on MONDAY... not any of that, but just wanting to hear him say, "My week was lame too and the reason it was lame was because YOU WEREN'T THERE." 

ATTENTION TWO OR THREE MEN, IF THAT MANY, WHO READ MY WEBSITE: a good and honest "I miss you" will get you very far. Trust me. 

So will cleaning up the dishes, even if it still smells like garlic, and hosing down the counters, which is what Phillip is doing as I type. Which brings me to another thought: grad school may be the thing that reattaches my lost forty pounds. I just want to EAT. ALL THE TIME. 

Anyway. I promise not to turn this into Grad School Widow 24/7 or whatever. And it's not even that bad. Honest. I even told a friend tonight that there's a way that it doesn't feel like anything's all that different. (GASP.) But this was a hard week and the gloomy weather, which has SUCH an effect on my questionable mental health, was not at all helpful. Expectations have been raised for this week, what with a few fun things planned and, at the very least, a deputy present to help out the bedtime sheriff. I suppose this post would be TOTALLY pointless if I didn't say something to the effect of, "Gee, maybe I should quit typing and have a CONVERSATION with my HUSBAND! How NOVEL!"

Happy Monday

Comments

[Lindsay]

Oh this so reminds me of when I used to play college hockey. As much as I loved it there were highs and lows and I tended to look at things in way too big a scope at once so I could never deal with the here and now. I finally figured out to deal with it by literally taking it one shift (45 seconds) at a time, and mentally never thinking about anything except what needed to be done for the shift at hand. Not that any of this helps you; I think I'm giving myself therapy here in your space. Three cheers for Phillip putting away the garlic. I hope you figure it all out soon enough.

[Carrie]

I so totally get mad at Daniel for working late, then I am the one on the computer ignoring him all evening after he gets home :)

And you left out the HIGH point of your weekend- seeing us at the Red Robin. Please focus on what's truly important in life.

Seriously, that was a tough week. I don't blame you for having a rough time. Do what you need to do for yourself and your kids and be gracious to yourself. And then when you're rested, you'll be better able to remember all that Phillip is going through too.

But mostly focus on the joy of your weekend, because seeing us for 3 minutes should really make up for everything else :)

[Sonetka]

I've been there. I'm there right now - my husband is making the final push on his dissertation before we move (to Seattle! Have I mentioned that?) which means he is at the lab 7 days a week and I'm running out of things to do. It sucks. It really does. (Low points of this weekend included slapping my four-year-old son because he decided to start chewing the foam padding off of his sister's car seat and spitting it onto the floor). All I can say is that you'll have high points and low points but it *will* get easier just because you'll have developed fallback plans for when the schedule turns out like this. Two little kids is a lot of work even under good circumstances, so don't rag on yourself for going crazy.

[Tracy]

I feel for you. And I've been where you are. With two small children, a husband working a full time job AND going to grad school on the side. We did it for several years, because grad school took 6 years for his degree. Only two years of that was classes. The rest was 20 hours a week of time to do research in his lab or research in the library or who knows what.

The thing that saved us: The Schedule. Every week, we blocked out time for a "family date", and a "couple date". Even if it was just walking around the block. Even if it was driving to the park and sitting on a bench watching the kids. It gave me something to look forward to - when I was feeling resentful that we didn't get to spend time together like other couples. And we also blocked out when he'd be studying or meeting with people or whatever, so I knew ahead of time. Which helped. Otherwise, the arsenic hour came and I'd be going nuts inside because WHERE WAS HE, when I could not take one more minute of parenting, even though it was what I wanted to do, I wanted to be a mom, so there...

And that's what helped. That and praying a LOT.

Hope this helps, and if it doesn't, feel free to chuck my unsolicited advice into a mud puddle.

and I DO feel for you and it's NOT easy.

[Sarah]

You know how transition is the worst part of labor? Well, I think you're in transition. The first little bit is exciting and new if a bit uncomfortable, and then eventually all you want is for this to be done with already. ENOUGH.

We're in a somewhat similar spot - we've got a farm, which means I sell our beef at a farmer's market which takes 30 hours a week (so much for being a SAHM). M occasionally comes withe me or goes to daycare. Husband is trying to write his MA thesis, teaching 11 hours a week, and writing curriculum for another program, plus doing most of the tasks of farming. I've found what keeps me sane is at least one clean room in the house (The whole house hasn't been clean at once in months) and having a little bit of time with husband. Nothing makes it easier to be mad at him that not seeing him. I mean, really, who wants some stranger leaving his clothes all over the bedroom and his dirty dishes in the kitchen.

Good luck. I hope things ease up this week.

[Tara]

Adam finished grad school when Shea was 5 days old. I have NO IDEA how you people do the whole grad school/little kids thing. All throughout his program when he would come home from working all day only to go sit and do homework for several more hours, I wondered how all of his classmates with kids, well, survived. It was hard enough for little old me to deal with Ignorement, and the little needy, whiney (cute, of course) people weren't even in the picture yet. Props to you!

[Shannon]

My DH is a professor (okay- he's in a post-doctoral fellowship but he's teaching and advising and it's basically the same thing). But I remember the grad school days... It is hard. And it still is. And it can be lonely. And tiring. And you are way more mature than me, being able to admit this and just deal with it only 3 weeks in. And advice to Philip- keep on doing the dishes and other similar things. Those little chores say, "I miss you and want to acknowledge that you had a tough week without me." Those are important. And so are date nights (that you- Philip plan!) :)

[Becca]

Been there, reacted exactly the same way. When my husband was preparing to defend his dissertation leaving me to get our house ready to move and take care of our baby I worried my parents so completely that my dad took a week off work and drove overnight to come help me. I agree with The Schedule comment above. And honestly? Maybe Philip could limit social commitments to once a week so you can get some help and company? I don't think that would be unreasonable.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Hopefully, the awfulness will get better as you get more used to it and into more of a groove. That usually happens to me. In the meantime, whine and wine?

[Dave]

The point about saying "I miss you" will be tattooed on my arm shortly. Not that Sarah's been away from the house without me all that often since Teddy was born, but the odd time it happens, when we have a catch-up call in the middle of it I'm all, "Last night, I had Doritos for dinner, and played video games for twelve straight hours, and then I went to bed without brushing my teeth! TTYL!"

[Manda]

I feel you. I hate being away from my husband too. Why, just this week we got into a cry-fight about how he hasn't had time to do anything nice for me in MONTHS and picking up dog poop in the back yard doesn't COUNT and I hate unloading the dishwasher every day WAHHHHH. It's a lot. And to go with that, I'm getting the second kid itch. And we don't even know how to properly hang out together. Something is clearly WRONG with me. UGH.

[Christiana]

I can only send you a virtual hug. That's all I've got.

[Elaine]

Oh, this post brought back so many, many memories. As an undergrad widow and grad school widow survivor (oh yes, the younger husband and I had kids before he finished his under grad, which was, of course, interrupted by all the computer certification classes, which made me a widow even longer) here is the best I've got: it sucks rocks now, but you will get through it, and it will be WORTH it. I can look back on it all now and . . . even reading your post which made it all so real to me again . . . I barely tick and twitch at the memories.

[ashley]

This makes me SO GLAD that Mike is doing grad school now.

Oh, did I mention we plan on having a baby while he's in his PhD program?

Ha. Silly me.