No more joining

I decided not to join another church committee. I have one last meeting in June, and then I'm done. Finito.

I think I decided this several months ago, when I was driving to one of my meetings and feeling very put out about the whole thing. And, as I am wont to do in such situations, I was informing God as to exactly WHY I felt put out. "This hasn't been at ALL what I expected it to be," I snapped to the steering wheel. "I am tired of trying to figure out what I am supposed to DO. I am tired of LOOKING." On and on it went. Gripe, grouse, complain, whine.

And then, in my head, I'm pretty sure I heard God say, "Perhaps because you've been looking everywhere except at ME. How's that working out for you?"

(In my head, God is kind of snarky.)

I like to tell you I'm not a Joiner, but in recalling the History Of My Personal Churchiness I have to confess I've been quite the joiner. I even half-organized and half-hosted the youth group when I was in high school, if only so I could make sure I had something churchy to do. Uncharacteristically blurting "Sure!" when the stranger-now-one-of-my-best-friends invited me to a Non-Denominational College Fellowship barbecue my first week on campus is possibly the joiniest thing I have ever done. And when Phillip and I decided to stop church shopping and go back to our original parish, it was with the intent of DOING something there. Only a few Sundays went by before we found ourselves committed to weekly RCIA meetings, sponsoring people we'd never met.

I joined the church committee because I don't feel like I'm a part of something unless I'm involved. And I mean: INVOLVED. I haven't figured out if I necessarily want to lead things, but I always want to be where the action is, know what's going on, be part of the decision making. So that was part of the draw. There's another reason I joined the church committee, and it's the reason for all my churchy joininess, which is: maybe this is the place where I will find God.

I blame the NDCF, because it's there and it's fun to do so. It's just that even though it took forever, I eventually found a place in the NDCF. I knew what my role was, and what I was about. I guess you could say that I recognized my gifts. I felt like I knew what God wanted me to be.

But then I went from being a token Catholic in the NDCF world to a grown up Catholic in a large city parish and the gifts and things I knew about myself in the NDCF world suddenly didn't apply. I didn't know what God wanted me to be in this church, only that he wanted me there.

So I started joining. Looking. Trying to figure it out. You would laugh if I told you how many things (and what KINDS of things, dear GOD) I tried. I hated not knowing my role, my gifts, my PLACE. Everything I've tried, everything I've joined, it's all taught me something. Not always what I thought it was going to teach me, but all of this participating hasn't been for nothing. I'm not sorry for any of it.

But I haven't figured out what God wants me to DO, who he wants me to BE. How do I use what he's given me as a Catholic? I know that probably sounds weird to a lot of you, but I hope you'll trust me when I say it's a legitimate question, one worth finding the answer to. I'm not asking some meaning-of-life theological question, I'm being quite specific. The things I know about myself, the things I've done, the gifts I think I have- how do I do and be and use those things as a Catholic?

Which is why I've decided to stop joining things. What God said to me as I was driving- I think he made an excellent point (as he would, being God and all.) And that wasn't the end of the conversation. I have a few ideas about what he means and where I should start. I have a whole post in my drafts folder about something that happened to me during the Holy Thursday service. I am always a bit anxious posting these churchy things since I prefer to be, well, I think how I put it to Kate once in an email is "ecumenical in my writing". But I think part of "where I should start" is maybe writing more about it here (maybe? I don't really know, we'll see) and this is as good as any place to begin: I am not joining another committee. Not right now.

Comments

[el-e-e]

Excellent! Church posts! :) Can't wait to read more.

[Morgan S.]

I like your posts about church.

I was raised Catholic and do not attend church now. I have not baptized my girls yet and I feel a huge amount of (typical Catholic) guilt, but I am paralyzed by the LOGISTICS of what that event would take. It either involves plane rides and parties that bring two very diverse sides of the families together at my childhood church (and stomping grounds of my 12 years of catholic schooling) or we just do it here and hurt everyone's feelings.

Uh...where was I? Oh yeah, I really enjoy your musings on your faith and place in the church. It is nice to hear a point of view that isn't often expressed, like when you are totally distracted and thinking about random things when you should be listening to the sermon. I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

[Tami]

Please don't be afraid to share your faith on your blog. Even if we're not of the same denomination (I'm an independent fundamentalist - or is that Evangelical Free - oh, wait! Its Southern Baptist or something like that ;) We share the same love for the Lord...and the desire to do His will. And if we don't I think we can at least appreciate each others commitment to something bigger than ourselves.
I think you're wise to step back and wait on God's direction. Sometimes we get caught up in the 'I have to do something for God' trap...and all we end up doing is burning ourselves out. How effective can we be for the big guy when we're like that?
I often find the best thing to do in this situation is to sit still (as best you can with two little ones) and listen. Hang tight - he'll talk to you, just like he did in the car. (And God sometimes gets a little snarky with me too! ;)
I'm anxious to read your the posts you have in the queue.

[Christiana]

I echo Tami when I say don't be afraid to share your church life on your blog.

I also think God can be kind of snarky. How could He help it sometimes? I imagine He wants to slap us upside the head every once in awhile.

My husband and I ran the youth group at our former church for 3 years and got burned out (and burned in general - but that's another story) and I have tried to avoid joining anything that requires a lot of involvement for the last couple of years. I just need to focus on my family and my relationship w/ God.

[Jessica]

I know how you feel...
And I like reading Catholic mom blogs. So you won't hear any complaints from me.

Also, God is snarky in my head, too.
But mostly He just rolls His eyes at me... and taps his foot a lot.

[Sheila]

Oh Maggie! When God and I chat, He is definitely snarky. There's always a lot of "I told you so."

I'm so proud of you for making this decision. It can be SO hard to NOT join stuff, especially when you're accustomed to being in the thick of it all! I grew up in a very Baptist home... and then my father became a pastor. I was expected to be in everything. When I moved out of the house, I didn't join anything for a while because I needed to get things figured out.

And then... I became Catholic. And I'm getting things figured out alllll over again. So, I enjoy reading everybody's "I need to figure this out" stories.

Blog on!

[Kate P]

First response: big smile.

Second response: Makes sense; you've got a "domestic church" going on big time these days.

[Sarah]

Jessica - God talks to you the same way he does me. Lots of sighing involved.

I, too, like your "churchy" posts, and I'm Protestant (if that makes any difference).

I've gotten involved in lots of things because I felt I "should," and while some of those things were great, some haven't been. I'm almost in the opposite phase right now though in that I'm refusing to join things, and I think I might need to start. Of course, as soon as I tell myself that, I start coming up with lots of excuse about how I'm sooo busy (said in whiny tone). I really don't know how I go about figuring out what God is leading me to join.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, I like the churchy posts too. I snickered at the God is snarky line.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

Ooo...bring on the church posts. You know that I struggle, too, with my role in the Church. And, selfishly, reading about your struggles ALWAYS sheds light on what I am going through. Sign me up!

[anonymous]

I like the Church posts, too. :)

[annie]

God is snarky in my head too. I think because I make God talk the way I think. Well, wait. I suppose it's more God talks to me the way he knows I'll hear it. And I'll hear the things that he says when he says them the way I'd say them. Or think them. At any rate - I've loved your blog from my first read, but have to say that I was really excited when I first learned that you were Catholic too. Something more that I had in common with you. Something more that I could relate to. I say go for it. And one of these days when I actually start writing on my blog again, (uh, yeah...) I'll get back to it too and we can be Catholic Bloggy Buddies.