Written before I go pass out on the couch

I am not getting enough sleep, and it has nothing to do with the boy. I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. Phillip almost always gets Jack up and changes him, and if it's early enough he'll even go feed him breakfast before I'm even aware that it's morning. And often he's doing this after going to sleep later than me and getting up in the middle of the night if Jack starts crying. (Which he hasn't been doing lately, THANK YOU JESUS.)

The last couple nights I've been staying up late working on my project. Most nights I end up just sitting at my computer while Phillip sits at HIS computer doing my work for me, because what do I know about DNS servers and FTP clients? We jabber at each other in Married Nerd Speak until eleven or so, then we drag ourselves upstairs and it's probably midnight before we fall asleep. Phillip seems to fare okay with this set up, but I feel like a zombie. (Note to you younger childless types: SHUT UP. And also, I went to bed at nine when I was in COLLEGE. I NEED MY BEAUTY REST.)

I need to find "the balance" as the ladies' magazines would say. This project I'm doing is a huge learning experience (see: Phillip showing me the uber techie stuff while I sit next to him and say "what's that mean?" "huh?" "wait, explain that") and it's nice to have something challenging to do. I wish I had hours, though. I wish my client only sent me emails and only called when I was strictly available. It's hard to take a call or get an email saying this new thing has to be done by the next day when I don't have time to do anything about it. I'm a little one track mind-ish and I find myself drawn to the computer instead of making sure Jack isn't hurling his avocado all over the kitchen.

Plus I get panicky over everything, as I am Wont To Do, and 99% of the time THERE IS NO REASON TO PANIC. The thing I was all anxious about over the weekend took precisely half an hour to accomplish Sunday night. I'm working for someone with whom I communicate frighteningly well. And when I need something extra I get in touch with the only former coworker I ever wanted to be friends with outside of work. But all of this stuff is new for me and I'm so afraid I won't be able to do it right. Or do it at all. And I'll let everyone down and look like an idiot. PANIC!

But anyway. Tired! The fact that the smoke detector started doing the "my batteries are dying!" beep at 4:30 in the morning did not help.

And speaking of tired, I think I need to go put the boy down for his nap. The daily grind now includes plopping him in the crib whenever I think he might go down for a morning nap. I give him some books and his pacifier and then I go take a shower. If he's still awake when I get out, then we skip the morning nap and shoot to keep him up until noon at least If he's out, then he takes a morning nap and I adjust. Because I am FLEXIBLE like that. For a while he was consistently skipping the morning nap; now he's just as consistently taking one. Except for today, of course. Today is always the exception to the rule, isn't it?