Day 2 and/or 9th Day of Christmas
I was not joking about the Motivational Emails

I have not eaten a cookie in TWO ENTIRE DAYS

It just took me 45 minutes to get Jack down for a nap at my parents' house, so I am in a STELLAR mood. An excellent frame of mind for writing about one's fat pants, don't you think?

(Although I am compelled to add that the baby slept from 6:15 on Wednesday to 6:30 on Thursday and his parents gave a great HALLELUJAH to the heavens when it was confirmed that neither of them got out of bed during the night. Turns out you can't retain your sunny disposition if you have given up your third nap AND you are consistently cutting your second nap short.  It was fine when the second nap was nearly three hours long (I KNOW. JESUS LOVES ME.) but the holidays ruined THAT so, there you go. Also? A tooth! GAH.)

Anyway. January! 'Tis the season for weight loss, Internet, and I am not too proud to jump on the bandwagon. Well, if I wasn't already IN the wagon. Sigh.

I really really really wanted to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight before my Christmas party. Not because I was going to wear some slinky dress or bore all my friends with the news of my accomplishment, I just wanted to get there before everything I ate at the party (plus the actual holidays themselves) solidified itself on my ass. That way I could say, "Hey! I lost it before, I'll do it again! Take THAT, twelve different kinds of Christmas cookies!"

I'm sure you are not surprised to hear that I didn't reach my goal. But! I only had three pounds left to go. Three pounds! That's, like, WATER WEIGHT! I tried to behave over the holidays, I really did, but there was fried bread dough and dim sum and more cookies and more wine and then an unexpected New Year's gathering and now? I am four pounds away. (And no, I was not keeping track of my weight during the holiday weeks, so I have NO idea how much I gained after Christmas, suffice to say it was probably a LOT more than one pound. What do you think I am? A masochist?)

Then I decided I would lose it all by January 10. That's Jack's 8 month mark (and my sister's 25th birthday, oh my GOD, that means I'm ANCIENT) and I wanted to be able to say I'd lost it all by 8 months. Screw these 9 months on 9 months off people! I AM AN OVERACHIEVER!

But now I am looking at having to lose 4 pounds by this time next week, and, shall we say, this is the most difficult time of the month to lose weight. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. In fact, it may be IMPOSSIBLE.

So here is the new goal: lose four pounds by the end of January. And, ideally, do not GAIN more pounds. Really, is it so hard to throw away the leftover cake? It's not like it's the only cake left in the universe. I CAN MAKE MORE CAKE.

Who's with me? It's only four pounds! And it's only January 3rd! That's one pound a week! We can totally do it!

All right. Now that I've got the cheery positive rah rah rah thing out of my system: THIS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SUCKS. I had absolutely no idea how much this would suck. I was dying to be pregnant and have a baby. It happened! I had the easiest pregnancy in the history of pregnancy. Even childbirth wasn't the horror movie I was steeling myself for. I did not have a nervous breakdown during the first six weeks like I thought for SURE was going to happen. I was fine! Everything was perfect!

But man, even if your pregnancy is relatively carefree and you escape stretch marks and scars and reconstructive surgery, it so screws with your body image. I'd read about all these women who, for the first time, felt happy with how they looked. Glowy and glorious and in tune with Nature. I don't know. The only thing I was in tune with was the exponential growth of my butt.

I worked really really hard to lose about 30 pounds before I got pregnant. I did NOT enjoy packing them back on (plus 15 more). (Yes, I KNOW eating an entire box of cookies once a week compounds the problem. SHUT UP.) But while I was pregnant it wasn't the worst thing in the world. I had a good reason, after a while I was obviously pregnant and not just a giant lardbutt, and I'd tell myself I'd lose it like I lost the other weight.

Except I happen to be the lone woman in the world for whom the Breastfeeding Diet is a total crock. The weight sloooowly came off, but I didn't feel like my normal self until I stopped breastfeeding at six months and signed up for the Evil Weight Loss Challenge. And after that? Over a year since I'd started gaining back weight? I finally felt like myself.

I remember telling Phillip, "I feel like I have my body back." And it was HUGE. I may be four pounds away, but I'm no longer standing in my closet and crying because nothing fits me. I still have some pants that are too small, but I have a bigger stack of pants that are too big. I can put them back in the Fat Pants box. My old shirts are long enough again, my sweaters aren't bursting at the seams, I can not only button my favorite pair of pants, they hang and slouch and droop and make me look like a total slob, just the way I like them.

It is really wonderful to not wake up every morning and feel powerless over your own self.

But still! Four pounds! THEY ARE COMING OFF. They are coming off via Maggie's Slacker Version of a Low Carb Diet (essentially: no sugar and no white flour, unless I think I'm going to die, in which case a handful of chocolate chips may be necessary.) And over the weekend we cleared out a big empty space in Phillip's office for a dirt cheap treadmill I plan to score off craigslist. I decided to do this MONTHS ago, but we only rearranged the office recently, so now I am lumped in with all the other Resolution: Lose Weight shmucks who are trolling for dirt cheap treadmills on craigslist. Sigh.

And seriously- who's with me? I am VERY good at sending motivational emails.

Comments

jackie

I'm in.

I still have 30 pregnancy pounds to lose. Talk about the BreastFeeding Meltaway the Pounds myth. *&^%.

Stevie

The breastfeeding diet is a crock!! I'm right there with you! At least it didn't work for me with my first two kids. It is working a little better this time - I actually lost the baby weight from this pregnancy and am now working on the baby weight I never took off with the first two. But...just within the past day or so I have become so ravenously hungry that there is no way my weight loss will continue. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one whose weight didn't miraculously fall off while donating my body to my baby!!

Jen

You can do it! I am happy to motivate you any time.

Tara

Your baby slept for 12 hours straight?!?!? You are a lucky woman! I'll pretend like I'm not jealous.

You can totally do four pounds!! Though don't ask me for advice re: staying away from cookies. Even though the baby weight is gone I DO still have the stretch marks, which I unfortunately cannot lose. Oh well.

Go Maggie!

Elaine

I'm in! I have about 12 pounds to lose to get back to my . . . uh . . . pre-pregnancy weight. Sure, the last time I gave birth was almost five years ago now, and I was back to that weight a long time ago, but then I left it again, and not for a good, happy reason like pregnancy. No, it was for some very bad reasons, like eating way to much sugar and getting way too old.

Elizabeth

Yes. Just yes.
If one more person who ISN'T breastfeeding tells me how easy it is to lose weight while breastfeeding I might have to brain them.
It's just so depressing to work so so so so so hard to lose weight only to have to gain it to have a baby and to have to lose it again. I just want to wear my cute clothes again and that seems so impossible right now.
But what you said about it being easier after quitting breastfeeding is giving me hope. I am finding it unreasonably hard to lose weight while breastfeeding and it has been making me a mite panicky.

Lindsay

I'm hoping to work on the weight loss thing myself this year. Hopefully I'll actually be able to do it this semester since it is not as crazy as last semester. I still don't know what I was thinking when I thought that I would be able to do that on top of everything else this past semester. I wasn't thinking, that's what.

Arwen

You can do it!

SO jealous about the sleeping through the night.

Lauren

YOU CAN DO IT!!

I love your blog..i pop in very irregularly, but it always makes me laugh...hooray you!

I'm working off post baby weight too..'cept I have WAAYYY more than 4lbs to lose...haven't decided how to go about doing it yet. I suppose tossing the Christmas candy would be a good start, but i just CANT MAKE MYSELF DO IT- So I need motivation too. Good Luck!

ashley

gooo maggie!!

you can do it! lose that weight. walk lots (even before the treadmill, if possible), exercise prevents SO much weight gain. :)

(again with the making me feel like i don't want to have children...at least until i'm very ready to not fit into my parts for extended periods of time. bah! i'm scared already. but beat that scale and show me it's possible!)

Tessie

This is awesome! You will totally do it.

Breastfeeding did nothing for me but make me eat MORE because I was so miserable while I was doing it.

Lisa

Our almost-8-week-old baby slept through the night last night. Eight solid hours. It had to be a fluke, but still.

I saw the doctor today and discovered that I am about 15 pounds lighter than the last time they weighed me. Of course, I didn't have pregnancy weight or anything...this was just regular me. Wanna know how I did it? It's called the anxiety diet. Or, more descriptively, the I'm-completely-responsible-for-a-tiny-human-and-how-in-the-world-do-you-get-her-to-stop-crying anxiety diet. I don't recommend it. Although, now that the anxiety is gone I have found a very effective way to keep the weight off. It's called the demanding-baby-won't-let-you-put-her-down-to-eat-for-more-than-two-minutes diet.

Emily

I think I was at 8 months postpartum when I finally lost all the baby weight. And I gained some back over Christmas (I think, I have not officially confirmed with the scale) but this week we are supposed to have warmish weather with no rain so I am committed to running with the jogging stroller every day instead of my usual walking. That should do SOMETHING, right? Also it helps that I kind of have to run these days because the kid is tolerating the strapped into the stroller thing LESS AND LESS. Woe!

annie

It's not just you. The breastfeeding diet IS a total crock. I totally bought into it until my 2nd post partum appt when my very own DOCTOR confirmed that sitting on your ass for upwards of 8 hours a day in the efforts of providing the sole nutrition for another human being may give you emotional satisfaction at watching your baby grow, but will not give you any satisfaction in terms of watching your own self shrink. So. For 9 months. NINE MONTHS. I employed my traditional means of weight loss (hope) while watching the scale hover for a couple weeks, then drop a pound, then hover for a couple weeks. I gave in, joined weight watchers, and watched everything melt away. Like you, I could finally say to my husband "I feel like I'm getting my body back". I was thrilled! Then my pregnancy test came back positive. I was thrilled again! But still no where near my pre-baby#1 weight. Sheesh. So I applaud you on your nearly 8 month return to your normal self. I'm incredibly jealous, but I applaud you just the same. Give me 5 more months and I'll gladly sign up for the motivational emails. In the mean time, 4 pounds? You can TOTALLY do it. I'm rooting for you.

melissa

count me in, honey. And, can I just totally agree with the Breastfeeding Diet too....what a load a crap. I think they mean if breastfeeding is the ONLY thing you're doing, you'll lose weight.

I have to give you the obligatory WooHoo, though, for being only 8 months out. I'm on the 2+ year plan for losing the 'baby' weight. With my son I did the 4 year plan to get back to the pre pg weight. Clearly, I'm a slow learner.

So, yes, I'm on board. Would love to ultimately drop 30ish lbs off this frame....I guess the journey of 30 lbs starts with, well, denying myself.

Melissa

Even though it was 8 years ago, I agree, the BF diet is a load of shite. I actually got down to my weight again, but then had a bout with anti-depressants and ooooh boy. So I'm here with you. Four lbs by months end....no prob!

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