I think I could go / Deep as the sea of Yoko

The opening line of one of my favorite Dar Williams songs goes, "The first part of every day for me is good." (My favorite Dar Williams song starts with, "I wonder if Yoko Ono/Ever thought of staying solo". Which, in addition to being very much about Yoko Ono, is oddly relevant to this post as well. You totally want to be my new best friend now, don't you!)

Anyway, I really like that line and for me, lately, it is true. The first part of every day is always pretty good. I wake up between the hours of early and godawful, I feed the baby and he hangs out in bed with us until it's time to really get up. Sometimes he'll fall back asleep too and it's all very sweet. On rare occasions I will martyr myself by taking our very awake and very bored child downstairs to babble and play while Phillip sleeps a little more. And this morning I was treated to my own extra hour of uninterrupted sleep. (I am pretty sure this has to do with the fact that I put the baby to bed before Phillip got home from work last night, but I am not complaining.) The darling angel is napping now (the morning nap is the most reliable!) and he's gone past the magic 45-minute mark so dare I hope for two hours? DARE I HOPE?

The rest of the day, however, is a crapshoot.

Yesterday Phillip's mom came up and watched Jack while I "worked". (See the use of quotation marks there? The quotation marks signify the fact that 1) my big project, the one that was going to earn me actual money, went bye bye when the client found someone else who, let's face it, is probably much more talented and experienced and better looking than I am and 2) my part time work has yet to start, leading me to believe it may never start and 3) I pretty much read blogs all day and plotted various get rich quick schemes all having to do with watching eight hours of television a day.) So yeah. Mondays are my big work days. Tuesdays used to be a big work day, back when I had work and my mother didn't, and I'd drive down to her house and she watched Jack while I shouted obscenities at the computer upstairs. But now that I am mostly unemployed and my mother went and got herself a full time teaching job (I KNOW. HOW DARE SHE.) that's not happening anymore. So I joined another moms group (what is my problem?) that meets every other Tuesday morning and get this- on one alternate Tuesday a month I am volunteering to babysit for the other moms group. Obviously I have been attacked by the Krazy. Wednesdays I have my other moms group. Thursdays are my new days to drive to my parents' house, because I still hope to have work one of these days and because I suppose my dad is capable of watching the baby, having raised five of his own and having hammered the fear of God into the hearts of countless elementary school students. (And later, when Jack is a misbehaving older kid, I can't wait to hear my dad shout, "You think THIS is yelling? YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ME YELL YET!")

Gosh that was a long paragraph. Let's start a new one. So that's Thursday and then Friday is my free day. I really don't want to work on Fridays. I have to say, this mom thing is a really great excuse for saying things like, "I don't want to work on Fridays."

All that to say: I never quite know what I am doing after the holy morning nap. I am either "working" while someone else is watching the baby, or the baby and I are staring at each other wondering how we will possibly while away the daytime hours.

Before Jack was born I asked a friend of mine what it was like staying home with a baby all day and she confessed that life can be rather dull. "Sometimes," she said excitedly, "we sit on the couch and she watches the cars go by out the window!"

Over the last few days I've put a lot of thought into what I want my job to me, in addition to my permanent position as Head Diaper Changer. I'm ready to think about that now. My moms group (the one I've been going to all summer- we'll call them the Swearing Wine Drinkers and we'll call the other moms group the Nice Church-Going Ladies, guess which one I like best so far) is talking a lot about emerging from the "baby fog". People are starting to think about what they want to do with their time, now that caring for a baby doesn't require every brain neuron you have. I don't feel like I really had much of a baby fog, but I can definitely tell things are different now. I'm relatively confident about my ability to go to Target with the baby, whereas at four, five and six weeks old the mere thought created major mental anguish. You're starting to think about who you are again. You're all the things you were before, plus Mom Of {Insert Baby Name]. Seems like being the Mom of Jackson takes over a lot. That's how the moms at the moms groups know me, it's my new identity at church and that's how people see me when I go to the grocery store or walk around the lake with a stroller. I am a Mom.

But I am also an avid blog reader, a baker, a traveler, a wannabe writer, an enjoyer of quirky folk music, a nice church-going lady and a swearing wine drinker. I need to figure out how to be those things and be a mom at the same time. I'm not having some eye roll worthy identity crisis or anything, it just feels like it's time to start being all the parts of me that aren't mom. And if one of those things could make me some cash on the side, that'd be great.   

Comments

[Nessa]

When you figure out the money part, let me know! Not that I'm in need of a stay-at-home-must-make-SOME-money job yet, but banking it away for future reference wouldn't be too terrible. And I haven't quite convinced Mr. Sparky that I should be a SAHW. Pitty, I think I would be very, very good at that.

[Lisa]

It's easy to confuse who you are with what you do. So many people define us by our occupation, which, for you at the moment, is probably primarily "Mom". But like you said, you are way more than that. It's just easy to lose yourself in the midst of caring for a very demanding little person.

Baby fog...that's a very good term. I'm going to start using that with my pregnant or new mom friends. They keep complaining that the baby ate their brain.

[Christina]

"it just feels like it's time to start being all the parts of me that aren't mom. And if one of those things could make me some cash on the side, that'd be great."

I SO hear you on this!!! I like to do things that interest me, things that don't require wiping anyone anywhere or driving to and fro all the live long day... if only one could get paid to read blogs; or y'know, if I could think one thought long enough to write it down and turn it into my Great American Novel... sigh... someday!

[Emily]

Asher and I have developed a routine of sorts, and we started it when he started taking just two relatively reliable naps per day. We while away the hours before the first nap by watching The Today Show and eating breakfast, and Dave watches him while I take a shower and do my hair, and then he takes a nap. Then when he gets up from his nap? We go Out. To Target, to lunch, to anywhere. Sometimes we just go to the swings or to the pet store (kid loves fish) or the gas station. I spread my errands out through the whole week. Then after the second nap, we do a walk with the dog and then we have dinner and then Dad comes home and then BEDTIME. It is monotonous, but it works for us.

Now. If you tell me what kind of quirky folk music you listen to, I will give you the name of the company that I do halfassed editing work for during my TV shows every night that nets me a decent amount of extra money each month.

[Maureen]

Dude, today Jack and I sat on the couch and he watched cars drive by. I won't lie to you; it's not exactly the most exciting thing to do. But it's more fun than it sounds, because of the look of intense interest on his face and also because of the way he says, "Caaaaaaahhhhhhhh" so very carefully. He's been practicing his "kuh" sound.

[E.]

Congratulations on escaping the baby fog. My youngest bio child is 4 1/2 and I still feel like I'm coming out of the baby fog. I, too, wish I could find a part of me that would bring in some extra cash. I keep thinking "motivational speaker" because I actually love to speak in public, but I don't know that I have anything particularly motivational to say. Plus, the four kids running around behind me would probably be distracting to the audience.

[Sarah]

Does your library have any programs? Mine does. It involves singing and a very peppy librarian. My favorite part is when she reads a book, and I don't have to sing/mumble.

We also just started swimming at the rec centre too. The class is mostly 4 month old kids. Sadly, it does involve a bathing suit in public, but the class right before is old women with hip problems, and I look better in a suit than they do!