Stay at home mom

What do you do with a two-month-old? Most days it's just him and me and I battle selfishness all day long. I want to sleep longer in the morning or take a shower when I get up or eat when I'm hungry. I don't always change him right away. I put him in the wrap and try to go about business as usual- bending over to load the washer, sitting down to type, pouring a glass of water, acting like I don't have a small human being strapped to my body. I take him out of the house even if I suspect he's overtired or fussy and should probably be put down for a nap.

Even if I wasn't always thinking of myself, I'm not sure what I'd do with him. Beyond feeding him, rocking him, putting him to sleep. What else is there to do? Sometimes I read to him. Sometimes I put him on his playmat and watch him bat at his toys. I talk to him and try to get him to smile. One of my favorite things is taking him up to his room for a diaper change, because for whatever reason, coaxing a smile out is easiest when he's on his changing table. When I can't figure out what to do next, I'll put him in the wrap. Then he'll fall asleep and I'll feel guilty because a) the baby is asleep instead of being "stimulated" and b) I'm spoiling him and setting him up for a lifetime of bad sleep habits because he's not sleeping in his bed.

Then I pick up one of the dozens of fancy baby toiletry products littering his room and knock myself in the head because MY GOD, someone needs to relax.

I don't get caught up in the "worst mother" thing. This morning I put the baby in a borrowed Baby Einstein chair, dragged him into the bathroom and hopped into the shower. He started to howl almost the minute I got in, but I took my shower anyway. Every so often I'd slide the door open and say, "Here's your mommy! I'm right here!" and he'd stop crying and look at me like, "If you're my mommy then why have you left me all alone in this ridiculous looking chair?" But I didn't feel bad. I need a scrubbed face and clean hair in order to proceed with my day, even a day where I'll need to change my shirt twelve times to combat the spit up.

I do wonder if I'm doing all the right things. Most of the time I wonder if I'm worried enough. How is it that the one thing in my life that I should worry about is the one thing I'm pretty okay with? At the baptism class we had to answer a bunch of stupid "thought provoking" questions about faith and share them aloud. One was "I know God has faith in me because ________" and when the priest asked me what I'd written down I said, "I wrote down 'I have no idea'." Because questions like that are stupid when you're supposed to write something in five minutes and then share. I hate sharing. And I figured that was a more polite answer than, "What is dumber than a photocopied handout asking us to write down our thoughts on faith in a five minute period?" But all the other women in the class said, "Because he gave me this child to parent" and I thought, "Fool! Of COURSE that's the right answer!" So maybe that's it. God thinks I won't screw up. At least not too much.

Before I had the baby I thought it was terribly important to have a stay at home parent. Or, at the very least, a parent who was home as much as possible. Now that I have a baby, I still think it's important, but the nobility factor has dropped considerably. It's a dull and fairly mindless job, taking care of a two-month-old. Gross, too. You should see my shirt right now.

I hope Dr. Sears and all those people are right. I hope my baby is getting something valuable out of sitting around with me all day. Well, except for all those times when I dump him with my mother so I can go shopping or see a movie or, you know, drink. After being spit up on and pooped on and howled at all day I think I deserve a drink. Or three.

I put the baby on his mat so I could hopefully finish this up. He has kicked every toy out of range, has knocked down the books I propped up against the wall and has, don't ask me how, scooted himself a full six inches up from where I put him down. Also his father called and said he was going to be late.

Now? He has scooted himself into the corner and is bawling at me to relieve the situation immediately. But before I do, just a quick apology to all of you who don't have kids. This must be the boringest blog on the internet and I can't fathom why you are still around. I do have other things to say, they just don't come out as easily as they used to. I blame the spit up.

Comments

[Laura]

Well, as you know..I have no idea about parenting a 2 month old..but it sounds like you are doing great!

[annie]

Before I had my baby, all of my friends told me I'd be feeling all of those things that you're feeling right now because "they just don't do anything for a while." Looking back, with a now ten month old, I see that they were right. I can recognize it now, of course, that my own little boy can't be trusted to lay on the mat anymore, and can't be strapped into a chair for shower time anymore. I recognize it now because I remember all of those feelings that you describe, including the worrying too much about establishing bad sleep habits and then not worrying enough about the things people tell you you're going to worry about. Anyway. It sounds like you're doing just great - it won't be like this for long. Soon he'll be taking regular naps in his crib and you'll be thinking, "can't we GO somewhere and DO something other than run a quick errand in between naptimes?" And, as I'm learning now, by the time you actually have that thought, the luxury of the multiple naps is gone and you have time to obsess about other things. Still, most likely, not the things people expect you to obsess about. Keep it up. You're doing great!

[Kate]

I don't have kids, but I keep reading! You're normal (in a good way!) and honestly its refreshing. I hope someday I'm the kind of mom you are!

[E.]

I remember that stage of motherhood and, yes, it is boring, dull and mindless, which leads to (at least for me) frustrating and depressing. I know it feels like it will last forever, but I promise it won't. Before you know it he'll be climbing furniture and chucking toys at you. In the meantime, by being there all of the time you are creating a bond and a sense of security for him. It dosen't seem to make a big difference now, but I believe Dr. Sears is right in the long run. As far as the spit up and shirt changing -- just wear an old tank top or something like that around the house and keep a more decent shirt by the front door. That way, if anybody drops by you can quickly put the clean shirt on and get rid of the yucky one. Although, if you have windows in your front door I'd suggest keeping the clean shirt elswhere.

[Maureen]

If it makes you feel better, I am right now, at this exact second, ignoring the fact that my 8.75-month-old-child is awake in his crib so that I can finish checking my email and catching up on my blogs. In my defense, he is not crying, merely babbling to himself. Still, I'm not rushing in there to "stimulate" him.

Little teeny babies need very little "stimulation." Remember, every single experience, sight, smell, sound, and feel is completely new to him, so when he's lying on the floor batting toys, he *is* being stimulated. And then, when he's done being stimulated (after about 10 minutes), he needs a nap to process it. So your attitude is totally fine.

I can relate to how you're feeling very much, though, because I sometimes worry that I don't worry enough also. I tend to be casual about this baby-raising thing, figuring that as long as I keep him safe and fed and play with him sometimes, I'm doing OK. (The child is now quiet and may possibly have gone back to sleep. Let's all hope.)

Also, whomever up there said something about being "trapped" by naps is right on the money, because right now we're at the stage where we can go somewhere OR he can take normal naps, but not both, because he's either taking an extra nap in the car because we went somewhere or else his normal nap is shortened because we arrived somewhere before he was done sleeping. But we still go places because otherwise I'd go completely mad. Mad, I tell you!

Wow, this comment is really really long!

[jenney]

You are my kind of mom! :0) a real one! one who doesn't claim to only feed their kid organic tofu at mom's group and then I see her the next day at Mcd's.
I totally didn't enjoy being a SAHM the first year. They slept, they ate, they pooed.... Just a warning toddler/preschool age is a lesson in mental torture. They really should think about locking terrorists in a small room with a 2 and 4 year old who haven't taken a nap. That will make anyone confess.

[Hazuki]

I feel your pain!. I spent my daughter's first 5 months in a tiny town in Japan where it was cold, and snowy, and icy every　where, and nothing to do in the town. We were stuck in the living room the two of us all day long. Our house had only oil heaters and it was pretty expensive to use all of them at the same time in each room. I'm thankful that God didn't let me go crazy during that time!. At least you can go out and you have a lot of space to move around your house. Just remember it gets better! My baby girl is now 8 months and I can't eat something in front of her (that obviously she can't have) because she would look at me and start howling and crying if I don't give her a taste!

[kris]

You have an uncanny way of writing that draws me in... your honesty and a "this is how it really is" way of describing life at home with a 2m old intrigue me. It is refreshing (I'm guessing YOU don't feel refreshed, exactly). But anyway. Thanks for putting this down in words... and sharing them with us.

[carrie]

You are totally normal! And a great mother too boot.

I remember those early months.... they seemed endless sometimes. Honestly, there's not a lot to do with them. I'm a do-er, so it didn't really suit me to just sit there watching them with a lovey-dovey look in my eyes all day long. I was thinking about things that needed to be done, or things that I wanted to do. Plain and simple, I really don't think I'm a newborn baby person.

The good news is, it gets busier. Sometimes I sit back and wish that it was less busy. hehehe Endless, mindless, toddlerhood maybe be, but it is anything but boring!

I struggle with selfishness too. I admit that I have waited to change a (okay more than one) poopy diaper because I was emailing someone, and I have taken my children outside on a walk for me to get a candybar, even when they would have rather played inside with blocks.... I think human nature is just selfish, so for anyone to say they weren't, would be crazy.

As far as worrying... I do precious little (unless we're talking a babe with a high fever or my MIL driving them out of town -- then I worry), but as far as the day to day, I don't stress it. Compared to kids with worrying Mommas, my kids are more care-free and less afraid, and I like that. I know I give my Mother (a worrier about the little things) a heart-attack everytime she comes here when she sees me do things like pour the water right over their heads to get the shampoo out as I bathe them, but they don't mind it... I've never treated them like fine china, even from the beginning, and they don't expect it now. Sometimes I feel guilty, especially when I'm with an overly-sensitive Mother, but I know I'm a good mother, and you are too. We protect them, we love them, we worry when we need to, and that's okay. Even good.

You're doing a great job, Maggie!

[carrie]

PS Last week I gave my 3 yo 4 popsicles in a row so I could complete a blog post.