An almost baby-less post
The Eve Before My Last Week

I need a nap

No baby today. What he lacks in size he makes up by rocking the non-stress tests.

I'm exhausted. I barely slept last night (third trimester insomnia?) and spent the entire day explaining 400 things to the new girl, which made both our heads spin. There is nothing like trying to train your replacement to make you realize how very complicated your job is, even though complicated is the last word you'd ever use to describe what you do. I called Phillip twice, once because I didn't want to do what I thought I had to do (reinstall Windows) and wanted him to tell me what I should do (which was reinstall Windows) and once to tell him no baby today. And both times he was certain I was in labor, coworkers cheering in the background.

Last night we went to Saxaphone Night at the University of Washington, a bunch of solo performances by undergrad saxaphone students. I can't remember the last time I was on campus and it's been years since I was in the school of music building, even longer since I sat through my last Saxaphone Night, watching my boyfriend play three movements of some concerto I've never heard of. I used to wish he'd play jazz, like any normal person who plays sax, but no, he studied classical saxaphone which meant I had to go to Saxaphone Night and symphonic band concerts and quartet performances and pretend I was enthralled. Phillip reeeeeally wanted to go and I think we're both feeling the "let's do everything we can possibly think of before the baby comes" pressure, so I agreed. As long as we left at intermission.

We sat in the back and made faces at the kids who were just there because they're taking Concert Series, which just means you go to random performances on campuses and write stupid reflection papers. For credit! The musicians were sweaty and nervous and I remembered Phillip being up on stage, with his pony-tailed piano player, his unfamiliar parents sitting across the auditorium. It occurred to me that I am ten years older than the freshmen. At intermission Phillip shook hands with his old saxaphone professor and introduced his wife and mentioned his almost-here baby and the two of them chatted about getting a real job and other students who've graduated and put their saxaphones aside. I wondered what a few of my professors are doing now. I ducked into the bathroom on the first floor and remembered ducking into bathrooms between classes, the cold metal doors installed into old brick walls. I remembered washing my hands and trying not to stare at the other college girls putting on lipstick and adjusting their clothes. I was so in awe of college. I never felt cool enough or urban enough or confident enough. I wanted to be the girls with the funky hair and the thrift store clothes and the bags full of interesting books. By the time I felt I'd arrived, it was time to graduate and now I'm old and married and expecting a baby. How did that happen?

I am so tired today. I passed off everything I know to the new girl. She is totally overwhelmed and I don't blame her. I want to say, "I tried to tell you what you were getting into..."  Then I remember that everyone has a miserable first day, even if the person showing them around tries her hardest to make it easier. I'm suddenly possessive. These are my coworkers. This is my computer. These are my responsibilities. I may even miss a thing or two. I don't want to be replaced.

I've never felt so aware of impending change. Maybe when I got married. Phillip and I are what my neighbor once called "old fashioned". We went from recent college grads with crappy jobs who said goodnight over the phone to married and living together and fighting over how to properly load the dishwasher in one weekend. We had no idea what it would be like, but we were doing it anyway. My dad told me that getting married was one thing, but having me- that was what turned the world upside down. And I feel like, okay, fairly soon the world will be upside down. I'm just waiting.

I still don't want the baby to come early. My brother, father of two, says this is because I am not uncomfortable enough, just wait. I see his point. But I did feel a tiny bit of disappointment when the nurses sent me home tonight. Proud of my baby for acing the test, bummed that I had more ultrasounds and NSTs and furrowed doctor brows in front of me. It's going to happen sometime, right? I'm okay with it happening now.

I should write some thank you notes, but I think I'm going to crawl into bed. Poor Phillip. He must think I'm never going to make him dinner again.

Comments

Jennifer

I'm reading this during MY turn with insomnia. Its sort of one night on one night off. Sigh.

I'm glad that Baby Cheung is passing his NSTs but can so relate to the feeling of disappointment.


Maureen

Maggie, that is only because you are never going to make him dinner again.

Well, OK, you probably will, eventually. As a special treat.

I'm obsessively refreshing your site these days looking for a baby! But I hope you get the week off. Or at least a few days.

Arwen

I must be the only person in the world who cooks significantly more since having a baby than I did when I was pregnant. But that is probably because I hated all food when I was pregnant, so I cooked literally NEVER.

My thought at the end of my pregnancy was that it was a good thing I didn't have to decide that the baby should come, because I wouldn't have been able to do it. I waited and waited for that baby, then was overjoyed to get pregnant, and there I found myself at 37 weeks thinking, "What have we done? Our life has been so good up until now! Why did we want to change that?"

True confession: I also had that thought during the first hard months of Camilla's life. Man, it hurts to admit that. But it's true - and maybe now when you think it, you won't feel so alone.

Of course, of course, of course, I don't have to mention that parenthood is the GREATEST THING EVER. Greatest and hardest at the same time. But definitely GREATEST.

I want that baby to come out so I can see him! But of course it is better for him to stay in as long as possible - glad he's acing those NSTs.

Kisses.

Angela

I must admit, when I was in college I took a Music Appreciation class my last semester. I went to the concerts for bonus points, and I LOVED them, I kept going to them even after I'd maxed out on extra credit. Now I kind of want to go check out the UW concerts, ha!

Anyway, I'll be checking in again later to see whether there's a no baby post for Friday--enjoy your last moments as a free woman ;)

Katie Ann

I used to play the sax too, classical, sorry :) Does keeping busy help? It seems like you've got a full schedule! I'll be checking back for updates too!

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