When Phillip and his friend Sean graduated from college, they moved into a really nice apartment (of course, anything is really nice when you've been living in the dorms since age 18) and entered the Real World. For Sean this meant going to a Real Job in the morning and coming home at night and earning an actual paycheck. For Phillip this meant reading the job ads every morning and mailing out resumes every afternoon and infecting everyone he knew with his miserable soul-sucking unemployment-inflicted depression.
I'd usually head over there in the evenings after work (I had a job, but not a Real Job) and Phillip would be wearing an apron and chopping vegetables for chicken stirfry and setting up the rice cooker. Then we'd all eat dinner together in front of Friends and this went on for two years, even after Phillip finally found a job, even after Sean and Phillip moved into a house with two other guys who shockingly couldn't quote every episode of Friends. If Sean was going to be late he'd call and let us know and so this is why, at Sean's wedding last weekend, Phillip may have told more than a few people that he was Sean's first wife.
Then Phillip and I got married and I swear, one of the weirdest things about that was now SEAN was going home after dinner instead of ME. I still remember that first night he came over to our apartment after we got married and it was dark and he was leaving and Phillip and I looked at each other like, "HOW WEIRD IS THIS?"
By that time most of Sean's friends were married. Poor Sean. We started to talk about how we'd have to buy a house with an apartment over the garage. (Just like on Friends! When Chandler and Monica's new house has a special 'Joey Room'!)
Then about six months after we got married, my friend Neighbor invited a cute little blond person to her birthday party who stayed way after all the people she knew had gone home, possibly because (we said to ourselves) Sean was still there. After much conspiring, Phillip and I invited her to our white elephant Christmas party the next weekend. She came. Poor girl got stuck with the kitschy wedding photo album set one of Phillip's aunts had given me for our wedding, and when she said her goodbyes and left the apartment, Sean dashed after her. Ten minutes later we heard him bounding back up the stairs, whereupon he proudly announced, "I ASKED HER OUT FOR COFFEE!"
And we never saw Sean again.
Ha ha ha. That's not entirely true. I think he emerged from New Relationshipville sometime that fall when Friends started up again. So it was back to dinner and Thursday Night TV, only with a fun new friend who liked to bake us things and mix fruity cocktails and the Original Thursday Night TV Gang is totally down with people like that.
Of course, I didn't know that she'd insist on getting married in Michigan.
But we had to go. It was their WEDDING. I may have even received a long distance phone call regarding how late in the year I was willing to cram my pregnant butt into an airplane seat. So I bought a dress and a pair of plane tickets. Phillip bought a Superman costume. (DO NOT ASK ME ABOUT THE SUPERMAN COSTUME.)
-we went to the wedding. While Phillip was busy doing things like this:
I was stuck with this:
aka babysitting the groomsmen. I couldn't even go hide at another table because I was holding court at the HEAD TABLE between the groom and my husband and these clowns. The bride was too far down the table to hear my pleas for help. While Phillip was out and about assisting the groom with pictures outside, adjusting the video camera in the balcony, discussing Important Wedding Procedures with the maid of honor and fussing with the reception song list, I sat there using my peaceful dentist's chair visualizations as the groomsmen argued over whether or not they should take their plates back to the buffet for seconds and giddily filled me in on what horrible honeymoon 'accessories' they purchased at the local drugstore and sneaked into the groom's overnight bag when he wasn't looking.
I blame their wives, who apparently had to "stay home" with "babies" who apparently don't "travel well." YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Then there was a lot of toasting and flower tossing and dancing to '80s music. And pshaw, like being pregnant was going to keep me from getting on the dance floor. Get outta my DREAMS! Get into my CAR! And if God reads my website, I would please like to have a baby like the one belonging to the bridesmaid who wore her completely zonked out baby in a pouch strapped around her dress the entire night, even as she was hopping around and lip syncing to 'Livin' on a Prayer' and 'Sweet Child O' Mine'.
Congratulations Sean and Friend Who Hasn't Said If It's Okay To Use Her Name And Likeness On My Website, Not Like Any Of These Other People Told Me If It's Okay, But That's What They Get For Making Sure I Didn't Sleep At All Last Weekend!
And I guess Michigan's not so bad after all.