I can see for a long way

I had a lot of time in college to sit around listening to music. Well, that's not entirely true. I didn't have tons of time, due to whatever job I was working and the demands of the Non-Denominational College Fellowship and I usually had a stack of books I was supposed to have read by yesterday. But when I wasn't doing those things I was often sprawled on my bed or with my feet up on my desk zoned out to some terribly deep and introspective acoustic guitar music, usually the Indigo Girls or Dar Williams or one of the other terribly deep and introspective acoustic guitar female musicians. Those songs make up the soundtrack of dorm living, when you have nothing to think about but your own future, and how the boy down the hall never pays any attention to you.

I don't listen to a lot of music anymore, which makes me a little shamefaced. I rarely listen to Top 40 radio because I've suddenly become Old and all of the songs sound the same to me, which is to say, they all sound like crap. I can't remember the last time I got excited about a new album or bought a cd instead of downloading the one song I liked from a TV show. Maybe it's because I don't really sit around Thinking anymore.

Last night was a jumble of moving furniture and stashing all the junk piled up on the tables inside cupboards and closets. I made fudge, I made a spinach dip, I realized I forgot a dozen things at the grocery store. I worried about not having enough food, I worried about not having food anyone will like, I worried about being too tired to clean the bathroom and what if I am too tired to clean the bathroom today? The party will be ruined! (Did you forget? My Christmas party is tonight. Are you coming? Are you one of those people who don't know how to RSVP? Or just assume that I know you're coming? Because I really can't stand people like you. I hope you get the junkiest white elephant.)

Anyway, Phillip was out getting his hair cut and buying my extra groceries at that one fancy pants organic our-food-is-better-than-your-food store that I really cannot tolerate entering, because the regular grocery store was experiencing a power outtage. (Oh, the power outtages! How I hate you and what you did to my poor computer!) He came home all "I'm going to eat dinner! And then I'm going to lounge about! With the television on! Because my priorities are in order! And I know how to relax! Party shmarty!" By that time I was exhausted (I am STILL amazed at how little stamina I have compared to pre-pregnant. It's shocking. It's... frustrating, actually.) I poured myself a big bowl of Rice Krispies (when this child is born, he's going to come out looking like a Rice Krispie. Either that or a flake of Special K) and sat down next to Phillip to watch, what else? An episode of Scrubs.

As I've mentioned many times before, Scrubs features some pretty good music. And while it is a show mostly about one doctor trying to get into everyone else's pants, it also has a lot of thoughtful poignant scenes, and poignant in the best sense of the word. On this particular episode, a patient died, but she didn't just lie still in the hospital bed. She was suddenly standing next to her bed wearing an evening gown and singing a song. Eventually half the cast was singing along with her. It was a deep and introspective acoustic guitar song, and maybe I started crying a little bit, because come on! Phillip kept saying, "I know this song! I know this song!" and as soon as the show was over, he whipped out his wireless keyboard and pulled up his iTunes library on the TV. The song is called "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin", by Colin Hay, better known as the guy who sings "He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich."

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

It's a beautiful song. Phillip turned it up and we snuggled into the couch and just sat there, listening to an acoustic guitar and a hopeful voice and thinking about our future. I thought about being fifteen and hating myself and the entire world, about being eighteen and leaving my family, about being  twenty-three and not having any idea what getting married would mean, only that my entire world was lacking if Phillip wasn't nearby. And there we were last night, sitting in our house, on our couch, getting ready for our Christmas party, thinking about our baby. It felt very much like our real lives were beginning.

My favorite Christmas song is 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.' (Okay, maybe second favorite after 'Santa Baby'.) I like how quiet and sweet it is. Christmas is going to be a whirl- it's always a whirl- and I'm not usually one to savor stillness this time of year. I like the bustle and noise of parties and shopping and delivering gifts and opening presents. Stillness always feels like an opportunity for anxiety and darkness to slip in and leave me unsettled and jittery. But I can be still to music, leaning up against my husband, feeling that weird sensation of a zucchini-sized baby flipping around inside me.

Merry Christmas, Internet.

Comments

[orangepaas]

maggie, sometimes you make me cry. in a sweet way.

my little munchkin says hello
:)

[Christina/Mrs Broccoli Guy]

oh I just love that image of you and hubby cuddled up listening to deep music and feeling your baby move within you. What a perfect and magical night... and a great way to anticipate Christmas.
Merry Christmas. :-)

[Jenny Ryan]

Merry Christmas!

[kelli lu]

i loved reading this. it's taken me this long to de-shy long enough to comment, but this post made me think of all the music that has made me ponder things like you were pondering here.

merry christmas (belated) and happy new year to you, phillip, and the dear little zucchini. (c: