So soft and squishy under the toes

If I want to visit my new nephew- the month-old, extra-adorable, totally loves the sound of his aunt's phone voice, chunk of babywonderfulness in Colorado Springs- I have to leave SATURDAY and come back MONDAY and fly in and out of DENVER and rent a CAR and all of this without my HUSBAND because he is swamped- SWAMPED!- with work and is chained to the gigando server that's taken up residence and ordering room service from the spare bedroom. And people, it's not even about money because after this weekend, the New House begins running our lives with its demands for inspections and papers to be signed and spiffy new upstairs paint jobs.

Wah. Can't visit the baby because of my brand new house. Life is SO unfair.

In other news, there is CARPET in my new house. Carpet! We haven't gone inside for the last week and a half, but yesterday I dragged Fellow Bridesmaid* to the house and insisted that she ooh and aah over the lush lawn and the cute little shrubs and the red front door and the stunning beauty of the cedar siding. We couldn't get inside due to the irritating deadbolt, but there was a guy standing around watering the grass, so I decided to ask him if he had a key. I "control the property" after all! Right? Right. So I marched up all demure and polite and ready to suck up, but Bridesmaid looked at the Lawn Guy funny and blurted, "Lawn Guy?" and Lawn Guy was all "Bridesmaid?" Turns out Lawn Guy and Bridesmaid totally attended the same baby shower a few weeks ago. For a baby born a few days ago to parents I sort of knew in college, the husband of whom manages our financial investments. Oh, the world, it is so very small.

We kind of knew this already. The brother-in-law of one of the builders is friends with our friends The Neighbors*. The brother-in-law rides the bus to work with Phillip. A few weeks ago Phillip happened to mention to the brother-in-law that we were thinking of buying a particular townhouse and the brother-in-law was all "Hey, my sister's husband is building some townhouses in that area!" Fancy that. We weren't planning on making the connection known- there are buyer and seller real estate agents for a REASON- but on the day of the first open house, the seller agent was hanging out with The Neighbors AND the brother-in-law and it was kinda difficult to keep it quiet. So yesterday I stuck my hand out and said, "Hey Lawn Guy, these are our six degrees of separation" and rattled them off. And he said, "Oh, I heard one of Neighbor's friends was buying one of the units!" Then he cocked his head and added, "Nice to have a face for the girl who wanted white cabinets." At that I emitted a hollow laugh.

The hollow laugh - lips parted, teeth together, no more than three low pitched ha-ha-has. This communicates that someone has made a tasteless joke or has offended you in some way, and they need to not repeat it.

From Miss Manner's Guide for the Turn-Of-The-Millenium

To his credit, Lawn Guy let us inside and it was in that way that I was able to see the glory of the new carpet. CARPET!!!

The floors are all cleaned up. No more dust and shoe prints and blue tape shreds lying around. The single sneaker that they'd spray painted at the same time they repainted the cabinets- which had been perched on a holy cardboard pedestal in the kitchen- was removed. More fixtures were installed, including a dining room type of light fixture in the master bathroom. The sink and appliances were in place, the windows cleaned, the ginormous table saw gone from the garage. WHY WON'T THEY LET ME MOVE IN YET???

They won't. Stupid escrow and mortgage company and inspection people and demanders of 19-page forms everywhere. (You know what is horrifying? You can write on these forms in ink. In your handwriting. Which does not have to be good. And then? You can CROSS THINGS OUT. When we sat down with our agent to write up the offer, he wrote everything down in his wretched handwriting and then crossed things out and wrote on top of them! He scribbled on the Official Form For Buying A House! This is legal! Are you not shocked and offended? Someone needs to inform the real estate companies that we now have computers.)

In the meantime I have to satisfy myself with the Dania furniture website and calling up the Lieutenant* so he can wake up the baby and put him on the phone. And the baby goes "Hmph! Weh! Mew!" and "When will you come visit me, Aunt Maggie?" and ISN'T HE THE MOST BRILLIANT BABY EVER?

*Get yo cast of characters here.