The Near-Tragedy of the Lost Mail Key

SETTING:
Phillip and Maggie's Apartment, approximately 10pm, September 14, 2004
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Phillip as the Person Who Dropped the Mail Key and the focus of Much Wrath
Sean as the Sucker who Assisted Phillip in the Search for the Lost Mail Key
Julia as the Innocent Bystander
Maggie as the Peeved Lover of Mail

PHILLIP: It appears that I have dropped the one and only mail key into the depths of our couch. Wherever can it be?
SEAN: I'm just visiting. I had nothing to do with this. Seriously. Please don't hurt me.
JULIA: Uh, you guys are NERDS.
MAGGIE: Mail? I can't get my mail? You dropped the key where? You guys, I need my mail. Do you know how many political candidates and starving children and hard-working community organizations are going to be out large buckets of dollars if I don't get my mail?

PHILLIP: I believe the key has somehow slipped inside the frame! Fancy that!
SEAN: Too bad the bottom of the couch is covered with a thick piece of fabric, thereby preventing any Searchers of Lost Mail Keys from retrieving the key.
MAGGIE: And I've been WAITING for Adam Brody to write back!

PHILLIP: Dude, if we tip it over, we'll at least know where the key is. Right? Right?
MAGGIE: And what about the ValPak coupons? I LIVE for those coupons! Who gets us free appetizers at Coopers? ME! ME!
JULIA: Got enough cardboard back there?

PHILLIP: Okay, here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna shake the key out.
SEAN: You know, I just came over to say hi. And pick up my bottle of Chinese shampoo. That's all. No one said anything about shaking a 7 foot long couch.
MAGGIE: THIS IS SO NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.

SEAN: Yep, that was painful.
PHILLIP: Okay, just a breather!
JULIA: What's that sound?
MAGGIE: Those are the downstairs neigbors wacking the ceiling with a broomstick. Fellas, can we work on not dropping the couch this time?

SEAN: Phil, give me your knife! Stat! I bet we can CUT it out!
PHILLIP: Dude, we are so AWESOME.
JULIA: Are you seriously defacing the couch? The beautiful fabulous and oh-so-comfortable in 90 degree heat leather couch?
MAGGIE: Deface the couch! Deface the couch!

SEAN: Because we are the most clever-
PHILLIP: and most manly men on the planet, we have finally retrieved the key-
SEAN: from where it disappeared into the dark and mysterious depths-
PHILLIP: and I will never ever allow myself to touch the key again.